Back To Her (A Warm Bodies Fanfiction)
by r.is.thinking
Summary: Everything turned out to be good for R. Julie s love made him human again and together they look into a bright future. But then, R finds himself back at the airport, on the day everything started. And he is a Corpse again. How will he convince Julie not to kill him and will he manage to turn human once again?
1. Prologue

Prologue (1)

„Don't you wanna know what your name was? Don't you wanna have your old life back?", asked Julie curiously and rested her head on my shoulder.

„No. I want this one.", I smiled, looking at the wall that devided the city, now not only her but our home from the rest of the country, for the last time before it was destroyed. It was the most honest thing I said, since I told Julie I was sorry that I ate Perry. She had forgiven me. I loved her. She made me human again, and everything was perfect.

As the sun slowly went down, the wall was blown up and we looked forward into a bright future, into a world without Corpses.

It almost seemed to good to be true, I suddenly thought. Like a fairy tale that came true... I closed my eyes, feeling full of peace and hope for a better life.

Then, I opened my eyes, stopped breathing, and realized I had not breathed before.

A strange, rasped sound came out of my mouth, almost unrecognizable but still there.

I was at the airport again.

And I was a Corpse again. I felt the numbness again, everywhere. My sight was cloudy, my body felt cold, my heart did not beat.

I looked slowly around, unable to move quick like I wasn't for decades. How could I be here? What is going on here?!


	2. Hungry

Hungry (2)

Slowly I looked around, unable to move quick because of both physical and mental reasons. Unable like I have been as a Corpse for years.

The airport looked exactly like I remembered it, full of moaning, aimlessly roaming Corpses.  
The light coming from a nearby big terminal window, where I was standing, got me to the conclusion, that it was early forenoon. But it had been late afternoon a few moments ago, when I had been still on the bridge with Julie. When I had been still alive and human.

How on earth could I be here? What the hell happened? I looked down at my now again grey hands, absolutely confused. And where was Julie?

Julie... I had to find her. Immediately. I had a terrible, terrible feeling something was very wrong here. _Please, let at least Julie be okay..._

Then another thought crossed my mind.

Maybe... everything had been just... a dream?

But even if this horrible scenario would be true, Corpses couldn't dream before they became more human again. And my brain just couldn't come up with something so complex as the things I had experienced the last months...

I could not made up someone like Julie.

Or Nora. Or Perry... that was just not an option, that everything had been a dream.

But still. I was here, a Corpse again, at the airport again, filled with other Corpses, none of them exhumed... The world was, at least here, like it has been for eight years, before I met Julie.

I wanted to cry. I really wanted to cry, but Corpses could not cry, so I just stand there, unable and not willing to move, so confused and alone like I felt. Julie and I.. we exhumed the world for Christ Sake. We teamed up the Humans and the Corpses to fight against the Bonies, and against the disease itself... and we defeated both, so why was this happening now?

Bonies.

I didn't think about them til now, and as quick as possible I turned around and checked my surroundings.

Everybody here was dead. And that meant, there would be Bonies too... would they remember me? For now, there were none of those terrible skeletons visible, but I was still tensed.

I needed answers. Somehow I had to... had to become Human. AGAIN.

I had to find Julie, maybe she knew what was going on here, like she always does...

But... would she even recognize me..?

No. There was no way she could not remember me. I pushed away the thought, this whole situation was just ... yeah, what was it exactly?  
I had no idea. But for the moment, I had to make the best I could, maybe I could ask one of the Corpses here what was going on.

I shuffled to one zombie, who seemed to be in my age (Which I didn't really know, but I guessed it was around twentysomething, so...), who still carried his battered longboard with him. He ignored me, when I weakly tried to grap his jacket sleeve to make him stop for a moment. But he just continued shuffling forward.

Laborious I overtook him and stood right in his sight, and his gaze, which before was fixed rigidly on the ground, fell on me. It was as if he saw right through me.

I took a deep breath. "Wwwwhh-haaa"

Oh no.

I couldn't speak properly again. As if my tongue was made out of sand, I stumbled over the words and failed to say a single word. It was so frustrating. It took so long for me to speak without stuttering. And now, I couldn't even say a word.

Julie practiced so patiently with me, every day, she even learned me to read and write again. She was always so understanding.

Julie... No, I had to concentrate right now.

I swallowed hard, tried it again.  
"Wwhaaat'ss... g-goingg.. o-onn?", I managed to say finally, really quietly.

The guy just stared at me for about a minute, then freed himself from my half-hearted grip and went away in the opposite direction from where I was standing, where the luggage band was.

Apparently he had no idea what I meant. He didn't understand anything at all. How the hell should I get any answer from one of those brainless creatures?  
 _You were, no, are one of them. So don't insult them. They aren't brainless, you know that._

Alright, now what? What the hell was I supposed to do? I could search the whole airport building for Julie but... I somehow had the feeling she was not here. Even as a human I always kinda felt when she was near, and when not.

Right now, I couldn't feel her at all, I just felt lonely and distressed.

So, what to do? I couldn't drive all the way to the green zone, not in this condition. If the world really, somehow, was like it was before I met Julie, then every human in the city would not hesitate to shoot a Corpse in the head. I probably wouldn't even make it to Julie's house.  
I needed help. But who could help me here? ... Wait, M. There was someone who could help me, someone I could talk to. If he was here, then M, or Marcus how he now calls himself (will call himself? - whatever.) would listen to me. Even if he was a Corpse, he was and will be always my best friend. I just had to find him, he had to be here. Where else?

The moment I decided to search for Marcus, I noticed something, I was not aware of til now.

I was... hungry.  
And I didn't mean the human hunger, who lunged for human food.

No, I was hungry for... human flesh.

As disgusting this thought maybe was, it was the truth. And this hunger cleared once and for all, that I was really a Corpse again.

As soon as I noticed the hunger, it rose. Soon I would feel it in every part of my deceased body again, like a consumptive and hurting buzzing in every cell, soon I would give in my instincts and go hunting. My Nature would take over, and I would kill again.  
 _No way. I have killed too many before..._

I had to find M, and I had to find him quickly.


	3. Julie

Julie (3)

Marcus favorite place to hang out and stare into space for hours has always been the airport bar. I never really thought about that, but it was the truth. So I first searched him there, and it was incredible frustrating not be able to run fast, even though I tried. It had to look really embarrassing how I half-shuffled-half-ran my way to the bar, but no Corpse seemed to be interested in me, only a few Bonies looked at me like I was crazy. Those skeletons were now twice as creepy as I remembered, but luckily they didn´t seem to notice me.

 _Luckily...? What does it mean to you and Julie, that they forgot you?_

No, I couldn´t think about Julie all the time. I should just be happy that the Bonies didn´t attack me, I didn´t know what I would have done then. Fight a bunch of Bonies wasn´t an ability in my condition.

Finally I reached the bar, and it was really relieving to see Marcus sitting there, staring at a broken glass laying on the counter in front of him. As quick as possible I sat down on the chair next to him and tried to get his attention by laying my hand awkwardly on his shoulder and shaking him a little bit.

His gaze slowly turned to me, he looked a little confused and groaned shortly, as if asking what the hell I wanted from him.

I took another deep breath. "Mmmmm?", I said, but really more mumbled through my dry lips. His gaze turned to my hand, still resting on his shoulder, and I quickly removed it. Then he looked me in the eyes and nodded a few times, grunting questioning. "Mmm-mar...cus-s", I stuttered, looking at him desperately, still hoping for a wonder, that he would know what´s going on here and that he could explain to me, where Julie was.

And did I really forgot how to speak again? It was hard enough to learn it again the first time...

Marcus now looked really confused. "M.", he sighed, pointing at his chest with a shaky hand, then pointing at mine. "R." Then he stared at me a long time, until he finally dropped his gaze and shrugged shortly, as if he accepted that I was going crazy now. Oh man, I slowly began to understand why Julie was so annoyed by my shrugging.

I had to try it in a different way. "J-juu-lie?", I asked.

At first Marcus looked at me like I was really insane. But suddenly he grinned a crooked grin, and I sat up a bit in my chair, staring at him with hope. "Aaah...", Marcus rasped. "G-Girl?", he asked, looking almost ... proud?

"Y-yeah!", I whispered, finally getting my voice a bit more under control. "Ex...h-humed!"

But I was wrong, Marcus had no idea what I was talking about. He turned his body to me with a perplexed look on his face, then laid a pale, cold hand on my forehand, as if he wanted to check I was sick.

"Are y-you... o-kay?", he asked.

"N-no.", I answered, staring at the wineglass. This could not be real... I just couldn´t imagine all this.

I sighed, looking at Marcus (or was it now M again?) desperately once again, but he really didn´t seem to remember the happenings with Julie, which changed the whole world a few months ago.

But his face brightened up again. "H-hungry?", he whispered with his raspy voice.

...what?

Suddenly, I had a really strange feeling.

My gaze fell on the flickering sign of the terminal, then on Marcus again, finally on the glass laying on the counter.

What if...

 _What if everything I remember about Julie did happen, but I somehow... had to do it again? To do it... better this second time?_

As strange as this thought might sound, it kinda made sense. Why else should I be here again, as one of the Undead? I couldn´t shake this strange feeling off, I knew there was a word for it, but I could not recall it. It was the feeling, I had done all of this before... How had it been? I told Marcus I was hungry, and he replied...

"C-City?", Marcus asked, looking at me expectantly with his grey, misty eyes.

And then he replied "City", and we went hunting for humans with other Corpses... we caught the scent of a few humans in an abandoned hospital, followed the smell of human flesh into a lab, where we stilled our hunger...

and then I saw Julie, and everything changed from that moment on. _Okay, if I really did all of this before, what exactly did I experience? A time travel? Something like this is not possible..._

But well, eight years ago humans also thought something like a zombie-apocalypse was impossible. And you know how that ended.

So somehow, I had to make the best I could with this second chance...

But at the moment, I could only focus on one thing: If my theory was right, Julie would not recognize me anymore. I would be just a creepy, weird zombie to her, and she would shoot me in the head so quickly I wouldn´t even be able to explain a single thing. But, even if I had the chance, what should I explain? That we were meant to be together, so that she could exhume me and then the whole world? She wouldn´t believe a single word, understandable.

Suddenly I panicked. What if I dismissed Julie? How should I ever meet her?

But what was when we found her? The other Corpses, that would follow Marcus and me, could kill her... and I wasn´t even sure I could control myself, because of this hunger I already felt now. I could... no, I had to save Perry. I couldn´t kill him again. I wouldn´t. But would Julie even fall in love with me then?

Marcus still waited for an answer, so I nodded and got up pretty quickly, for my standards at least. I had to convince Julie to listen to me, without her trying to kill me all the time. To do this, I had to come past Perry first, without killing him this time...

When Marcus and I stumbled towards the airport´s exit, more and more zombies joined us, just as I remembered it. And once again, the hunger throbbed in my veins, leading me towards the city. But this time, I wouldn´t kill anybody, I promised myself. If I die by attempting to talk to Julie, I was meant to die, really die, this time. Without her, I couldn´t life anyway. But Perry would be alive on the end of this day. I wouldn´t kill. I. Would. Not. Kill.

After a few hours we finally reached the hospital. It was really annoying to walk like this again. Just like the first time, I stopped on the middle of the street and sniffed curiously. Somewhere here Julie and her group had to be. But it was different this time... and I immediately understood this was a bad thing.

Nothing here smelled like humans. The last time I did all this, Julie, Nora and Perry had been in this hospital, searching for medicine... but they weren´t here now, and I hadn´t notice until that moment that I was the only one standing on the street, staring at the entrance of the hospital. Only Marcus noticed how I stood there like an idiot, trying to smell Julie, and he turned around to face me, almost looking curious.

Did I already change something from the first time I did all this? It had to be like this, Julie wasn´t here... maybe we were too late and they were already gone, in safety behind the wall again?

No, wait a minute. The last time I did something before I met Marcus at the airport bar, right? Yeah, I went to my plane and listened to some music...

That´s gotta be it! Man, time travel was complicated, if this really was one.

Now that I thought about it, that was actually a good thing, because the other zombies except my best friend ignored me completely and turned right to the next street corner in this moment. This way, no one in Julies group would get killed, right? When I was the only one who went into the hospital... but what would Marcus do? He wouldn´t understand me, and would try to kill everybody, including Julie. That was still understandable to me though, I still didn´t know if I would be able not to eat a human today. But I had to, somehow, manage it.

I had another, bigger problem. If the humans from Julies group saw me, they would kill me in an instant. Julie would shoot me, without hesitation. Wouldn´t she? It was a miracle I survived the first time we encountered the lab. What the hell was I supposed to do? I had no idea. The other Corpses were now out of my sight, and Marcus followed them now, as if he wanted to give me some space for myself. Almost as if he felt I had to be alone right now.

Okay, what could I do? I still had no idea. I had to make up some sort of plan immediately. Julie would arrive soon if my theory with our earliness was true. I decided to go into the hospital first, alone. Soon I stumbled over the doorstep which lead to the laboratory, where Julie and I first met. Flashbacks of memories overcame me. It was still so unbelievable for me, that I would have to become human for a second time. I shuffled to the shelves, where the snow globe sat, which I picked up for my collection the first time I did all this. I took it in my cold hands and held it in front of my face to stare at the tiny couple standing on the bridge, surrounded by flying snow. The way they held hands... it reminded me of Julie so much I felt a stab of loss in my chest.  
She would not know me at all. How was I supposed to make her like me? To love me? How did I manage this in the first place? It seemed so impossible to believe, it really happened.

I sighed and put the globe back on the shelf. I didn´t want to take it again, it reminded me also too much of what I did before I took it. I had killed Perry a few minutes ago.

I had to do something with myself. I was feeling so churning and restless... My eyes fell on a door, I hadn´t notice before. On it there was a small sign attached, with a symbol I uncertainly recognized... Yeah, that was it! I could fix myself up, before I tried to talk to Julie... I opened the door clumsily, and it really was a tiny bathroom. But as soon as I looked in the dirty, small mirror, I cursed myself for thinking it was so easy. Who did I try to fool? I was recognizable as a zombie, even from a great distance.

Grey skin, blue-violet veins running from my throat to my neck, until they were hid under shaggy, dirty, black hair. My eyes were covered by this weird, grey haze again, which I knew was responsible for my dull sight. They were surrounded by reddish, sickly looking shadows. As a Corpse (or, when I was a Corpse for the first time) I didn´t care about my appearance and hygiene at all. But now I was very aware of my dusty clothes and the dried blood on the corners of my mouth. Jesus, I needed a shower. After three failed attempts to turn on the faucet, I finally managed it, but there were only coming out a few brownish drops of water. So much for that... at least I managed to wipe some blood off with the back of my hand and to brush through my hair with my fingers.

Soon, Julie would be here. I felt it.

I decided to stay in the bathroom for the moment. I could just wait for Julie to get close to the door, behind I hid, and then try to talk to her. Somehow she had to listen to me... when we first met she had been amazed I could talk at all. But how was I supposed to explain that I had been her boyfriend in an alternate reality (was it even called like this? Didn´t matter.) and unfortunately killed her current boyfriend before? No, I couldn´t explain this to her, even if I could speak properly.

Suddenly, I heard a scream, muted but recognizable because of the broken glass of the bathroom window. If my heart beated, it would have stopped now. Julie.

As fast as I could, I ran-shuffled-stumbled out of the bathroom, past the snow globe and down the stairway, until I got through the exit and on the street.

The scene in front of my eyes froze me where I was standing. Julie.


	4. Bitten

Bitten (4)

I could have sworn my dead heart just beat once, then stopped again.

Julie.

And Perry.

It was so weird to see him alive again, in real life, not in a stolen memory. Nora was also there, and some other humans I never met because... they all had died when I first met Julie.

They all were in a fight against the Corpses, by whom they somehow had been found. I had thought they would already be blocks away and that there would be no danger for the humans... for Julie. I was so dumb to believe it would be that easy.

I wanted to run to her. I wanted to protect her. But my dead, useless legs didn´t move an inch. Marcus just drew closer to a young guy, whom he effortlessly knocked over. Then he began to rip his throat out. The sight of this made me feel sick immediately, but at the same time I felt the hunger even stronger now, like a screech in every blood vessel, coming from my belly, when I saw the red, pulsing blood, pouring out of the horrible wound. I craved for the flesh, that Marcus ripped out, and I hated myself for that desire.

 _Julie! You have to protect Julie, move now! NOW!_

But my thoughts still didn´t reach my legs, all I could do was standing there and watching the scene on the street helplessly.

The others still fought the Corpses with their guns, but they ran out of munition quickly. A giant, brawny Zombie I never really noticed before, attacked Nora, who was saved by Julie with a shot in the head. Perry, still alive, fought a dark-colored women, who snarled angrily while trying to beat the gun out of his hand. _Will you just wait until Julie is dead? MOVE NOW!_

But instead suddenly Julie looked at me. She saw me, how I was standing there, too far away to help anybody at the entrance of the hospital, staring like the brainless Corpse, I seemed to be to her.

 _You have to get to her and talk to her! She will kill you otherwise!_

But Julie didn´t... She obviously really didn´t know me. Her mouth flinched angrily when she saw me, she reloaded her gun and pointed at my head. _Do something! Anything!_

I did the only thing, that seemed logical to me, so that she would notice I am not just a Corpse she could kill. I lifted my arms as fast as possible in an "I surrender"-position and stood there motionless to show her, I wouldn´t attack her.

Luckily it worked. Julies mouth fell open, she stared at me with big blue eyes, but the gun was still pointing at me. Her gaze fell on Perry, who overwhelmed his attacker and now got to her side to help her. His brown eyes, which were so familiar to me, because I have seen so many memories through them once..., he looked at me with them, his eyebrows twitched with curiosity.

I was just happy they didn´t kill me ride away.

I just stood there, staring at them and trying to ignore the monster in my belly who got angrier by the minute.

The fact that all of the other zombies, my best friend included, were eating, didn´t reduce my own hunger at all. Okay, at the moment no one shot me, but there was something different that bothered me... the humans were shorthanded and slowly everybody got killed by the Corpses.

I had to help Julie.. but how?! Perry turned around as another male Corpse appeared behind him and Julie. She seemed to have no more munition, so she used the grip of her gun to knock him out. Like she did in the hospital, I remembered... Two other Corpses attacked Nora, who was defenseless now, without any weapon. Perry killed one, but suddenly Marcus appeared behind him.

The sight of Perry, being gripped by Marcus, finally, far too late, got me out of my frozen condition. I had to do something, otherwise this would end up even worse than the first time. I couldn´t let Perry die again, and Nora too, she was Julies only and best friend. But Marcus was _my_ only and best friend, and I couldn´t kill him either... (Not speaking about my physical condition.)

I took a deep breath and ran, more stumbled towards the fighting scene, screaming half-audible and in a raspy voice: „St-stop!"

Julie gave me an amazed glimpse, but was busy trying to help Perry, whose gun was now useless too.

Marcus gave me a short, wild look, it was not understandable for him what I was doing. He was hungry, Perry was his food. So he had to kill him. Even together they weren´t strong enough against Marcus, because his hunger gave him supernatural strength.

„M... Pl-please...", I stuttered, shuffled towards him, tried to get him away from Perry, the source of his desire. But he was too strong for me, because he already ate that boy earlier. My belly still was empty... (and it would stay empty, wouldn´t it?) The hunger got worse and worse, but I had to concentrate, I had to safe at least those three people I knew.

Julies warm breath suddenly brushed me, she was so close to me. She still tried to fight Marcus, who stood there with a grip on Perry´s arm as strong as iron, tried to push away Julie with the other hand, who pointed at Marcus head with a knife. For a second, time was frozen, I just saw Julie, felt her warmth, and suddenly my hunger for human flesh disappeared, and all I needed was... Julie´s love.

But then, Marcus bit Perrys arm, and time sped up again.

Perry screamed, tried to get away from him, Julie screamed even louder, her frightened expression was replaced by complete horror. No, this could not happen... I had to do something better this time!

I collected all my power, grateful and confused at the same time, that my hunger was gone, and punched Marcus in the face as hard as I could. He fell to the ground, stared at me almost hurt, then gripped after Perry leg, who still stood there, staring at his wound, unable to move. „N-no...", I hissed at Marcus, kicked at his hand, almost lost balance.  
Perry was bitten. Julie seemed to realize that it really happened too, hot tears ran over her red cheeks, as she desperately tried to calm herself. „PERRY!", she screamed, one hand covered her mouth in horror, the other hand lost grip on her gun, which fell on the ground with a silent bump. She stared at the bleeding wound on Perry´s arm, which already began to fade into black at the edges.

He half fell on the hard ground, held his arm, tried to get away from me and Marcus, but failed as Marcus gripped his leg again. „N-no...", Perry whispered.

I helped Perry again, but neither he nor Julie seemed to notice it properly, as they were too shocked about what just happened. Luckily the other Corpses were still busy eating. At the moment. Julie knelt down on Perry´s side, she just ignored the danger still existing around her, or maybe she didn´t care about it anymore. She put her arms around him and rocked him softly, while crying and saying his name over and over again. It was horrible for me to see her like that, and Perry had my full sympathy but the worst for me was... _Face it, she doesn´t know who you are, and even with Perry being infected and most likely being killed by her soon, she will never fall in love with you..._

But there had to be anything I could do for Perry! I had no idea what I was doing, but I knelt down slowly and clumsily on Perry´s other side, unnoticed by Julie, so that I slowly touched her shoulder to get her attention. She flinched, but didn´t do anything to stab me or harm me in any way, she just stared at me with motionless, puffy eyes. I knew exactly how terrible it had to be for her, maybe even worse than before, cause she didn´t exactly see how Perry got killed.

„N-not... s-safe...", was all I could say. The other Corpses wouldn´t be incapacitated for a long time, and Marcus would attack Julie and Nora as soon as he could stand up again.

Julie didn´t responded, her gaze dropped on Perry again, his eyes were closed, his skin got paler with every minute... _He will be one of them... no, one of us, that´s for sure. I couldn´t safe him... but... I had become human again too, right? So... he could maybe someday manage it as well?_

But... how should I explain Julie? Not even myself knew, what exactly I was doing. How I ended up being a Corpse again and having to experience everything again.

Perry´s eyes opened suddenly, he looked at me, tried to kick me with his feet, but was too weak. He closed his eyes again and got unconscious. How much time did he have left? He had to go through hell right now... I felt really sorry for him, suddenly glad about the fact I couldn´t remember my own transformation.

I nearly jumped when I saw Marcus stood on his feet again, looking angry. I had to do something now. But I couldn´t safe Julie without trying to help Perry...

„K-keep... you s-safe", I whispered, got up slowly and pulled Perry up as well. Julie released her grip startled, got up and looked at me properly for the first time since Perry got infected.

„W-what?", she gasped and supported Perry, whose weight almost got me tumbling on the ground. She stared at me frightened, but mostly confused, and she was so close to me once again...

 _You have to concentrate! You have to take her and Perry away from here! And where the hell was Nora?_  
I somehow managed to lay Perry over my shoulder without falling to the ground, luckily I was so much taller than him. With my hand I carefully reached for the blood on his wound, and though I knew how gross it had to be for Julie, I swept it on her cheek and neck, as I hadn´t any own injuries this time. She flinched back, new tears escaped her eyes, but she still didn´t attack me. Slowly I gripped the sleeve of her green jacket, tried to look friendly and reassuring... I didn´t want to know how I really looked, probably like an idiot. „C-come... s-safe", I whispered, my voice cracked on the last word by overuse. I slowly dragged her from the street towards the way to the airport, and she didn´t get rid of my grip. She didn´t fight me.

Nora was gone. She somehow managed to get away from the few remaining Corpses, because she was not visible anymore. She probably thought Julie was dead, killed by me. I was glad she got away. Even though I sometimes didn´t cope with her sense of humor and her ironic comments, I liked her. Julie noticed that she got away too, she sighed barely audible and brushed away the tears on her face with her free hand, giving me a sad, frightened look.

I slowly guided her to the airport, getting away from the bloody scene on the street. I just had to save her, and if I had to take Perry with me to do so... I would do it. I had to remind myself once again, that I owed him something.

Marcus slowly followed us, gave me another angry look, but didn´t attack Julie. I hoped he wasn´t too disappointed about what I did... but he bit Perry, what else could I have done? Someday he would understand it, when he´d be more human again, when the world would be exhumed. _If the world will be exhumed at all..._

I had no idea, what Julie was thinking right now.

Probably that I would kill her soon... but I didn´t think she ever saw a Corpse taking an infected human, or a human without hurting them. I heard that the Dead behind us got up to their feet as well, and they moved in the same direction we headed to. I knew, they didn´t smell Julie, and I doubted that anyone except Marcus wondered why I took a bitten guy with me, so I wasn´t worried at the moment.

We moved silently through the streets, through tunnels, until we finally reached the airport building. It was really difficult for me not to drop Perry, but somehow I managed it, partly due to the fact Julie stared at me the whole time, sometimes reaching for Perry´s forehead and stroking him softly. I would not disappoint her, I would take care of Perry. _Even if that means, we will never be together...?_  
His breath got more flat by the minute, I had to think about a plan soon. I squinted to Julie, who stared at the Corpses shuffling through the terminal. Perry would attack her... the blood won´t cover her smell forever, not talking about the fact that Perry maybe would smell her anyway, because his hunger as a recently turned Corpse would be so strong... I had to take him somewhere else, away from Julie.

Firstly, I would take care of her, I decided. I just hoped I had enough time for that, I had no idea how long it took to turn into a Corpse.

I guided Julie safe towards the aerodrome to my plane, but had troubles to open the door with Perry on my shoulder. I turned around to Julie, swallowed and asked her to help me. For a moment, everything seemed to be too much for her, and I was worried she would faint, because she looked so pale. But then she nodded, and I got away from the door.

I knew, she wouldn´t like to be so close to me, even if it was only for a few seconds, and that made me really sad. But I tried not to take it personally. She paused after opening the door, looked at Perry, then at me. She still didn´t look to good, what was understandable.

„It´s... o-okay", I tried to reassure her, pointing at the door. She swallowed, closed her eyes for a moment, as if I would disappear when she opened them again. Then she gave me a confused and warily look. „What are you doing with Perry?", she whispered.  
„I... k-keep you... s-sa-safe..", was again everything that came from my dry lips. She wasn´t convinced and crossed her arms, looking at me angrily. Even with those eyes full of hate, she was beautiful to me. „Okay, I don´t know what you really want to do, but..." Her eyes filled with tears once again and she whispered: „Perry is... he will... I-I have to.." She didn´t finish her sentence. _Come on, you have to explain to her that you will protect her and won´t attack her! And that you´ll help her boyfriend, as much as possible..._

„H-have to... b-be s-sa-fe... P-perr..ry" - she flinched when I stumbled over his name - „h-has to... get away f-from you.. I w-wan´t t-to... h-hel-lp"

She closed her eyes again, took another deep breath. „What the hell... it doesn´t matter anymore...", she breathed quietly and went through the door into the plane.

I paused, when she turned around again, looked at me, and the pain in her eyes forced me to look away. „Goodbye Perry..." She closed the door, stayed where she was and looked at us for a moment through the small window. I hoped that she would understand soon, what I was doing. I only wanted the best for her... I had the feeling with Perry it would be even more difficult than without him, to convince her.

I stumbled down the stairs, Perry got more and more heavy, cold and rigid. Where should I take him? Definitely far away from Julie. But I didn´t know what to tell him, when he woke up again, and how and if I should give him food... Food.. I stopped for a moment and checked, but my hunger was still gone, fortunately.

I decided to carry Perry back in the terminal. When I wanted to settle him down carefully on a soft suitcase still laying on the not working luggage belt, my shoulder seized suddenly and he fell and hit his head on the belt. Oops... but he couldn´t feel pain anymore, right? I stared at him, laying there, with closed eyes, sweat on his forehead and pale skin. I really was sorry this happened... but I was kinda glad I didn´t kill him this time, or any human being at all. But what the hell should I do with him now?  
And I had no idea what Julie would do when I got back to her. She most likely would still be confused and sad because of Perry... would her anxiety become curiosity again, after a few days? Julie told me that my protective and amiable personality got her to trust me... it couldn´t be so hard to get her trust again, could it? I hoped fervently that it would be easy.

Perry still laid there on the belt. I checked my surroundings, but there were no hungry Bonies visible, just other Corpses shuffling around aimlessly. I raised a hand and stared at the pale, scarred skin, still not understanding why this had to happen to me. But I knew this time, I had to make sure Julie wouldn´t try to run away from me, because it was now even more dangerous with Perry around. And how would she react when her boyfriend (ex boyfriend..?) tried to kill and eat her?

All of a sudden I saw a movement in the corner of my eye, and I lowered my hand.

Perrys face only moved marginal, the rest of his body was still motionless. I took a step back, couldn´t remember at all how it must be to wake up like this, but it must be horrible. For a few seconds, nothing happened, then he opened his eyes and stared at me with grey, hungry eyes.


	5. Strangers In The Night

Strangers In The Night (5)

I took a step back, slowly raised my hands in a hopefully reassuring gesture. Perry didn´t move at all, he just laid there in a weird angle. His grey eyes stared at me unblinking. They were now too veiled with this strange, grey mist... it seemed like he had no idea what had happened. Which wasn´t really surprising, because none of the Corpses... _none of us, accept the fact you´re one of them already!_ … could remember how exactly they woke up as one of the Living Dead, as far as I knew at least.

My own memories of how I woke up were really blurry... the next clear memory was my first kill... not something I wanted to remember right now. And I had to take care of Perry too. I swallowed again.

How hard could it be to speak properly again? I practiced so much in the last couple of months... it couldn´t be all be gone, right? Maybe it was just a head thing. I was tired of stammering around all the time... I wanted so speak in hypo taxes, wanted to express my thoughts with metaphors and exclamation marks... how hard could it be?

I just had to try again. There wasn´t anything else I could do anyway, so...

„It´s... okay." , I tried to reassure him. There you go, no stuttering this time.

But Perry still didn´t react at all. What was he thinking right now? Or was he even thinking at all? For sure he had forgotten all of his former life... we all had. But I could not imagine how it would be to forget Julie. She was the only thing that mattered to me now, the only thing that matters at all. At any time, in any state of being possible.

My gaze fell on Perry again. Was he feeling this gnawing, painful hunger already? He probably couldn´t quite identify the feeling yet, otherwise he wouldn´t lay there so motionlessly.

I stretched out a hand to pull him up, maybe he would trust me if I´d help him... but honestly I didn´t really know, what I was doing. I never saw any intended communication between Corpses. Not counting myself and Marcus. Only the Bonies seem to have some sort of brain activity. I didn´t know my best friend and me were so different from the other zombies.  
After a few minutes he still showed no reaction at all. I mentally sighed and pulled him slowly and laboriously to his feet, carefully avoiding his open wound on his shoulder.

I was really glad I didn´t have such wounds visible to others. Only a few weeks ago I discovered my biting wound on my ankle... Apparently that´s how I got infected. I didn´t want to think about it too long, and I didn´t tell Julie anything about it. I didn´t want to frighten her, even though she always wanted to know what what going on in my new, second human life.

Perry stared at me,finally managed to stand on his own, so that I could release him. Suddenly he raised a hand, touched his still oozing wound and stared at the bloody hand. Then he looked at me again, as if he wanted to ask me what´s going on here. His eyes looked so lost and confused, that I felt a strange stinging in my own chest, because he made me feel my own loss. All those years, I could still not remember... but I had Julie now. I had had her... I would have her? And I needed her... suddenly I yearned for her so much, that I almost forgot about Perry and just stumbled all the way back to my plane. I wanted to be with her, wanted to protect her, explain to her somehow what´s going on... but no, I had to toil with Perry.

No, I had to help him. I owed him that. I could not be so egoistic now... he needed someone to guide him. I didn´t know what the Bonies what do, when they saw him standing around doing nothing. And I didn´t want to know it.

„Are you... h-hungry?", I asked finally. One stutter. Maybe I just had to be patient... the first time it didn´t take very long for me to improve my speech.

Something in Perry´s eyes changed now. They seem to stare at me more intensive, not as lost as before, more... angry. I dropped my gaze, hoping that his anger was not directed at myself. I had to let him know that I just wanted to help him... but honestly I didn´t have the feeling I could really help him at all with his hunger.

I mean it was kinda obvious I had to get him food, but I couldn´t and didn´t want to kill again... and when I willingly hunted for humans again, or at least to help Perry, I couldn´t guarantee I wouldn´t take a bite myself one or two times... as disgusting this thought was, I already felt a weak echo of the hunger I felt earlier, it only seemed to be gone when I was with Julie. Sounded weird, but it was true.

So what to do? He still stared at me, his hand hovering between us as if he had forgotten about it. Then I had an idea... maybe Marcus could help? I mean it was kinda his fault... but would he do me this favor? I sort of took away his meal... and I punched him, several times.

But I had no choice. The desire to be close to Julie again grew with every minute, and it was a thousand times stronger than the faint hunger I felt. I had to get to her...

„Come... I´ll help you." There you go, the last part of that sentence didn´t sounded that bad. I turned around, deliberated for a moment and then moved towards the airport restrooms. Usually you could find Marcus and me there after a successful hunt, sitting next to each other leaning against the wall. Sharing the remorse over the killed people, which reduced the guilt we felt at least a little bit.

After a few feet I turned around to Perry again. He still stood there and gazed at me. Oh man... I have never been this dumb, have I? _Don´t be so rude to him. You should be glad that this time, his brain is not partly in the pocket of your jacket, and partly in your stomach._ No, I could definitely not eat humans again, and I was glad about that. What I could do against my probably soon growing hunger, I would care about later.

So I went back to Perry and tried it differently. At first I pointed at my mouth, then at him, then in the direction where the toilets where, and finally towards the entrance of the airport. I hoped to get him realize, what I wanted to do. If it really worked, I didn´t know, but when I continued walking towards the toilets, he followed me, slowly, hesitating, and with the typical hunched over, dragging pace of the Dead. It was kinda freaking me out to see him like this, because a few hours ago he had been alive, and for me he had been entirely dead yesterday. I stopped thinking about it, because it made my head hurt.

C _oncentrate on the present, and as soon as you´re back at the plane, with Julie, your thoughts will be clearer. They always have been around her._

We reached the bathrooms without incidents, Perry only bumped twice into some Corpses shuffling around and stared at them confused, when they continued walking towards god knows where. I stopped in front of the men´s room, felt nearly frightened for a moment, of in what kind of mood M would be. But I needed his help, and someday he would understand the recent happenings.

I turned over to face Perry, murmured: „Wait here...", but still raised a finger, unsure if he really understood me through words.

I was dumbfounded for a second – this was the same way I tried to keep Julie from running away from me on the first morning after I met her. Even though with her it didn´t work – understanding, she had been really scared of me then and just wanted to go home – where should Perry go anyway?

So I let him standing there where he was and entered the small, pretty run-down restroom. It had never bothered me much how dirty it was – now I kind of had to pull myself to enter. But that was a good sign, right? Corpses didn´t care for hygiene, or felt disgusted by anything.

I was lucky, Marcus really was in the little ant room of the toilet, sitting on the dirty floor, staring into space. At least I didn´t have to search through the other floors of the airport.

It began to get more difficult to concentrate on what I had to do. Julie... I didn´t know why, but I had to see her, urgently. As soon as possible.  
Marcus´ gaze fell on me, when I quietly closed the door behind me and looked at him apologetically. He didn´t look exactly happy to see me, but I had to ignore that now. He growled at me questioningly, his eyes surveyed me sharply. He was definitely mad at me. (You didn´t do anything wrong. You protected Julie and Perry. Now be a man and let him know, that he has to take responsibility for his actions.)

„I need your... h-help.", I told him with a certain intonation, staring at him without blinking. Not that I had to blink, I reminded myself, but I had to make him notice how serious I was.

He snorted as expected derogatorily, but at the same time the anger in his eyes changed into slight curiosity. Marcus knew, that when I needed his help, it was urgent.

„It´s about...", I paused. I would just show him Perry, he would understand better what I meant and I would not make a fool of myself at the attempt of expressing verbally.

So I opened the door, pointed at Perry, who could not be seen by Marcus from his point of view, so that my best friend got up more or less willing to help me and stood next to me. His eyes widened a bit when he saw, about whom this was about. He looked at me again, tilted his head a bit and looked at me almost... amused, as if he wanted to ask me if I was fucking serious.

But I was fucking serious. I frowned and my eyebrows twitched impatiently. „He... needs food."

Perry still stood on the same spot, staring at M and he didn´t seem to recognize him at all, which was a good thing. But Marcus knew exactly who Perry was, and he wanted to remind me again, that I ruined his meal. „He.. was MY.. m-meal.", Marcus growled, shaking his head. I sighed, actually load this time, and Marcus looked at me confused, wasn´t used to me being impatient. „Please...?", I muttered, gazed at him desperately. Again I surprised M... normally our feelings were limited to loneliness, penitence and discomfort because of Bonies, or bullets and other weapons that got too near to our heads. Plus I have been acting weird since this morning.

The desperate I must radiate, somehow convinced Marcus, because he groaned a long, monotone groan and then went out of the men´s room, rumbled at Perry once and then went towards the exit. Perry gazed at me puzzled again, as if asking for my permission – did he actually think I would take care of him by now? I mean, this had been my plan, but... I felt kinda uneasy at the thought of seeing Perry every day. I execrated myself immediately – I owed him so much. But still... I would have to get used to the fact that he was alive again, or actually was a Corpse for now. Who would be alive soon. Eventually.

So I nodded to him, and he actually turned around and tried to follow Marcus, who hadn´t noticed, that Perry hadn´t followed. I followed them with my eyes until they were out of the building and out of my sight, then I went as quickly as I could, but without trying to run, to my airplane.

To Julie.

Already I could feel how being near to hear affected me. Already I felt better, a little less dead, and had a bit more hope, that everything would be alright. I could not wait to be close to her again, to hear her talk, to hear her laugh... I longed for her warmth, for her touch – but at the same time I was scared, how she would react when I got close to her again.

She didn´t know me, I was just a creepy, brainless Corpse to her, and she would of course be sad about what happened to Perry... she might even try to run away from me again. I stopped in the middle of the tarmac, suddenly feeling really empty. Maybe... it was the best when Julie wouldn´t have to deal with me at all? She once told me, that she kinda learned to life again because of me, but now everything was different, with Perry...

No. I could not just give up. We were meant to be, we had to. My feet continued walking without my control, suddenly quickly and gracefully. Julie. I couldn´t stop thinking about her, about her blue eyes, her smile, her wonderful blonde hair, which she would remove from her face frequently. She was like a drug, and I always would give in to get more of her. And without her, I would die, that was for sure.

I already was back at my plane, and the stairways that lead to the plane never seemed to have this many steps. Impatiently and clumsily I pulled the handle of the door, until I finally got it open and entered the plane, closed the door and took a deep breath. You can do this. _The last time Perry´s dried blood was on the corners of your mouth, so you will look less frightening this time for sure._ Slowly, so that I wouldn´t scare her to death, I went to the middle of the plane, but when I saw her, I had to take a grip on one of the chairs, so that I wouldn´t run towards her, lay my arms around her and never let her go again.

There she was. I could swear that my heart made again a deep beat.

Huddled up in one of the chairs, like the last time, but no scissor from my collection in her hands to defense herself this time. Her eyes were still full of tears, her mouth flinched angrily when she saw me – but for me, she was beautiful, even like this.

I wanted to hug her, wanted to stroke her head, to reassure her, how much I loved her...

 _You gotta get a grip here. You only scare her with staring at her like an idiot!_

Slowly I released my grip on the seat, tried to stand up straighter and gazed at her reassuringly. „You´re... okay", I murmured, which was both question and statement. She snorted, looked at me madly, but at least she didn´t try to attack me. Oh Julie... I had done everything I could to protect and safe Perry. I considered for a moment, remembered that Julie told me, how safe she had felt (safe in a weird way) when I covered her with the blanket. So I went to the overhead-locker once again, pulled out the blanket, which I never used until Julie and I took it along with other stuff from my plane a few weeks ago to the city. Corpses don´t get cold, so...

Gingerly I shook it out, carefully cloaked it around Julie, avoided to touch her even though I wanted nothing more than to feel her soft, warm skin again.

She stared at me.

„Where is Perry? What... have you done to him...", she whispered, another tear appeared in the corner of her eye.

I resisted the urge to swipe it away, didn´t know what she was going to do when I would get close to her. But it would even be weird, when I touched her like that after such a short time, without being dead. She only knew me for a few hours after all...

„Hello?", she asked suddenly and I noticed she was waiting for an answer and I just stood there, staring at her. She must have notice that I was different, otherwise she wouldn´t ask me a question directly like that.

„He... is safe. Went away. You´re... o-okay." I stumbled a bit over the last word, but otherwise I spoke pretty fluent, and was proud of that. Julie stared at me incredulously, then gazed out of the window, considered something and then looked at me again. „Where is he?"

Good question... I had no idea, so I shrugged, even though I knew how annoying it was for her when I did this. „M... is with him.", I told her, wasn´t sure enough in my speech to tell her, who exactly M was.

But she was smart and understood quickly. „Is M... something like a friend of yours?", she asked, her voice sounded slightly doubting. When I nodded, she closed her eyes, looking almost peaceful for a moment, then she opened them again. She looked incredibly tired and sad. Julie...

I couldn´t stand her gaze, so I went to my record player. Music calmed down... I decided to play one of my favorite singers, Frank Sinatra. When the first sounds of „Strangers In The Night" were played, I got more tranquil as well, went to a chair on the other side of the plane, where I sit down to look at Julie. „I... won´t hurt you. I k-keep.. you and P-Perry... safe.", I managed to say, just looked at here to see how she would react.

Her facial expression got more confused, she looked at the record player, then to me, and then down to the blanket wrapped around her. „What...", she started, but canceled the sentence and bit her utter lip. Maybe I just could introduce myself? She had to see this way, that I really was different. I took another breath, was now more sure that I could get what I wanted through my again rotten lips. „I.. am R.", I introduced myself with the name, Julie gave me, pointed at me, because she looked more puzzled with every word I spoke. When she didn´t reply, I pointed at her and could only whisper now, because my voice was once again not used to speak so much: „You are... Julie."

She flinched when I said her name, but I was not bothered. She probably thought I heard her name on the street, when Perry called her. However, the expression in her eyes changed, similar of how Marcus anger turned into curiosity earlier. She was curios, but still confused, and most of all, exhausted. She needed sleep... I thought about it for a moment, bent forward to look at the aisle. At her first night here, she had slept on one of the seats... but told me the next day, how uncomfortable it had been. So we built some sort of bed in the aisle of the plane, and she reassured me the next day, that it was really comfortable to sleep. I got up again, took several blankets and pillows from the crammed lockers, knelt down only a bit awkwardly and put them on the floor. Julie had followed me with her eyes, watching me cautiously.

„What are you doing?", she asked softly, stood up slowly, the blanket still wrapped around her like a protection shield. „You... have to sleep.", I murmured, tried to smile and sit down on another chair, to give her some space.

She shortly looked at the ceiling, made a little weird noise – a mix of a sigh and a laugh maybe? - shrugged then, as if she copied my gesture. While gazing at me continuously, she went to the provisionally bed, plucked the blankets a bit and then actually laid down, pulled the blanket I gave her up to her chin. She closed her eyes shortly, her body relaxed immediately because of the soft subsoil, even though she probably still had no idea what I was doing.

Which was absolutely understanding for me, I still had not really a clue why this was happening again. Julie´s eyes opened again, and she looked at me, her face got lit by the moonlight and looked almost white, she looked stunning. „Why?", she asked, just `why´. Not `why me?´ or `why Perry?´, only this single word... How I wished I could give her an answer. I didn´t wanted to shrug again, but telling her exactly what I knew and thought about the recent happenings wasn´t something I could do already.

Instead I raised my index finger, pointed at the ceiling, groaned a quiet and uncertain „Hm." and closed my eyes, got carried away by the music.

The music and Julies presence filled me with more hope and happiness then I could imagine, when I found myself in this dead body again this morning. I got a bit lost in the lyrics, because when I opened my eyes again, Julie already fell asleep, her breath was steady, which calmed me down even more.

Everything was okay, Julie was here, Perry was not here, and everything else could wait til tomorrow. It was again fascinating to look at Julie while she´s asleep... I did it... had been doing it, still frequently even though I was human again, because I often woke up in the middle of the night. Mostly because of weird nightmares, but at the beginning because my body wasn´t used to sleep.

And it had been really hard and painful to become entirely human again. It was not funny to eat normal food after eight years, and my muscles have been really rusty.

Even simple things like brushing teeth, writing and reading had been gone... and it has been not only really embarrassing for me, but also actually hard, to learn those things again.

At least now I could remember those little things, so I wouldn´t have to learn them _again_.

I wondered... if I was still able to read.

I took a book laying next to me underneath some toy cars and empty CD cases. Man, I really collected a lot of rubbish in all these years... At first the letters danced in front of my eyes, and I nearly panicked, that I really had forgotten everything Julie taught me so patiently. But then the words made sense again, and I could read the title of the book: „The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring"...

I thought I remembered Julie told me something about a movie based on the book. Huh... I certainly was glad that I still could read. I looked up to ensure myself Julie was still there, sleeping safe and sound, what she did.

I wanted to put away the book, but then I thought about it – why not reading it? There wasn´t anything to do right now, I still could gaze at Julie once in a while to make sure she was alright. I knew, I wouldn´t be able to sleep that soon after meeting Julie ...

The first time I had to kind of clear my conscience by telling Julie how Perry died. Would I have to do something else now, to be able to sleep again? To dream again?

Maybe I had to tell Julie, that I have done all of this before, even though I did some things differently. Had to tell her I made a... time travel? But I would wait definitely with telling her this. She would think I was insane, understandable.

I could tell M instead... I had to talk with someone about it soon.

But at the moment I was completely happy, when I looked down at Julie, she was alright, that was everything that really counted. I opened the book, and began slowly, but without much effort, reading it.

I was so focused on reading the book, I didn´t notice Julie waking up. Suddenly I heard her groan softly, she slowly sat up and looked around, until she saw me. „Oh... How could I forgot?", she muttered more to herself, gave me an undetermined look. I tried a tiny smile, which was probably a bit lopsided – but Julie told me a few days after her father shot me, that she always thought it was ´cute´ - and even though I had no intention to look cute, I just had to smile, seeing her with messy hair, stretching and yawning now.

I imagined running my fingers through her blonde curls... and mentally shook my head. Julie would not be able to handle the love I already felt for her, so I had to stop gazing adoringly at her. Talking was better, I just could ask how she slept, yes, that was a good idea.

„Did you... s-sl..sl.." Oh no. I had have to much trust in myself, and now I couldn´t bring out this simple word. It was so frustrating. I lowered my head, feeling ashamed, and was happy for a moment I couldn´t blush.

But I was curious of how Julie would react, so I gazed at her with still lowered head. She crossed her arms in front of her chest, undetermined mimic, maybe she thought about the fact how a Corpse even could try to speak. Last night she probably had been way to tired and exhausted to think about it properly.

I felt the question coming, heard it a few times now from her mouth, but I still had no real answer for it: „What... are you?"

Accidentally I shrugged again, but frowned and murmured: „I am just... R." It was all I really know for sure. That I was her boyfriend... had been, will be?, which she brought back to life with her love was not something I could tell her right now, even though someday I would tell her.

She obviously was not happy with my answer, but her gaze lightened up a bit, she looked kind of...

compassionate. Huh, compassion? Because I was... dead? Was that something good, that she felt compassionate for me?

„I... slept well.", Julie answered now, stood up, went to one of the windows and looked out. What was she thinking right now... was she looking for a way to get out of here? Hastily I put down my book, which she hadn´t notice until now. „You can read?", she asked curiously and tilted her head so that she could read the title of the novel. I just nodded, suddenly remembered what I could do to keep Julie from running away. She was hungry, and I had to get her food.


	6. Time-Out

Time-Out (6)

Julie turned around and gazed at me suspiciously. I was actually kind of proud that I had reminded that humans need food regularly; even though I had been one myself not too long ago. I had just gotten used to normal food. As I expected, my own, kind of... different hunger was gone as long as I was with Julie. This was a good thing - this way I could concentrate on gaining Julie´s trust - and the first step was to offer her a breakfast.

 _Okay, you can do this._

"Are you... hungry?", I asked, surprised how normal my voice suddenly sounded. It wasn´t that hard to speak now actually. Julie noticed too, because her eyes widened a bit and she bent over, as if expecting me to talk more. Which I wanted to do anyways. "I can... b-bring you something. You have to... stay here, it´s safe."

Now she really was perplexed, and I mentally patted myself on the shoulder. You just have to believe in yourself, and everything is not as hard as it seems. "Huh... well, I actually am hungry.", Julie mumbled, but she didn´t seem to be too happy about the "You have to stay here"-part of the sentence. Looking uncertainly, she went to my record player and swiped with her fingers over the surface of the Frank Sinatra record, which was still on, as if it could answer the questions that were probably floating around in her head.

I had to make sure she wouldn´t try to run away from me again. I didn´t know if Perry was already back, but the other Corpses were a danger for Julie as well. I had to protect her.

"Please...", I begged, considering for a moment, then pointed out the window down to the - at the moment - empty tarmac. That I actually asked her for something surprised her even more. "It´s not... safe. You can...", I paused. I needed Julie - but I wanted to be honest with her, and if she really decided to leave me, for real this time, I would be helpless. If this really happened, I could at least make sure that she would come home safely, I still had the BMW. "You can... go home soon. I... promise."

To emphasize the words I laid my hand on my idle heart and looked at her gravely. Julies mouth dropped slightly, she was turned towards me again, was confused for sure but maybe also... fascinated? Or was that my wishful thinking?  
When she didn´t answered, I questioningly mumbled: "Julie?" and dropped my hand.

She seemed to be deep in thought, because she flinched a bit when I said her name. "Okay... what does `soon´ exactly mean?", she asked finally, looking out the window again.

Julie... she really wanted to go home, didn´t she? She actually told me a few days ago, that she had known I was lying. I mean, when I told her she had to stay for a while before going home - but she had been strangely curious about the fact, that something like me, a thinking and talking Corpse, could exist. So she agreed to stay with me temporary.  
But now it looked like she couldn´t wait to go home, to get away from me.

I wouldn´t and I couldn´t stop her, if she wanted to go. But maybe... there was still some hope left. I took a last attempt, but I didn´t wanted to lie to her, never again.  
"As soon as you want to... b-but..." Julie didn´t seem to be relieved, more like... resigned? Is this the right word to describe her feelings? It gave me courage to continue my sentence. "You can stay here... f-for a while. As a...", I paused again, trying to catch her gaze. "As a t-time-out."

"Time-out?", she echoed disbelievingly. But then, something wonderful happened. She laughed. It was only a small, not really happy laugh, but it was there. And it immediately filled me with luck and love for Julie, warmed me from the inside and made me feel a little less dead. "A time-out, huh? Y´know what, R?"

She was grinning now, only her eyes were still a little sad. "Yes?", I asked, staring at her hopefully.

"This is exactly, what I need right now. For a few days, at least."

She closed her eyes, opened them again and sat down on one of the seats, still looking kind of sad and ruminative, but also... serene and calm. I really hoped she was, and that she didn´t just pretend things and would try to run away as soon as possible. But the way she laughed, despite all the terrible things that happened to her yesterday and her whole life since the apocalypse happened... she seemed to mean it. She wanted to stay here, for a while.

I could swear I smiled a tiny, lopsided smile, because of the way Julie looked at me. "I´ll be back soon. You can..." I showed around my plane to gesture that she could take anything she wanted from my collection. Julie understood and smiled. "Okay."

I couldn´t resist, I had to stare at her wonderful smile a moment, before I went to the door without turning around. When I closed it behind me, I had to keep myself from running back to Julie immediately, I already missed her vivid presence.  
When I went over the tarmac towards the airport building, I felt her gaze in my back, so I had to turn around once again. There she was, looking out of one of the windows, watching me going away from her, slowly, but a little quicker and stabler then yesterday. I wondered, what she was thinking right now... I really didn´t know. I turned around and continued my way to one of the abounded restaurants, where Julie and I had found food before.

Even though I passed plenty of other Corpses, I did not see Perry or Marcus. I guessed I would have to see M later... I had to know how things with Perry went, and I had to explain him, why I was acting so strangely. But at the moment, I wanted to concentrate on finding Julie food.

I took as much canned goods as I could carry (after checking if they were still good – It happened to me before, that I´d offered Julie spoiled food, and I had been very embarrassed, when I learned what a best-by-date was) and made my way back to the airplane. When I just wanted to exit the building, I suddenly heard an eerie screech, and I froze in place.

Bonies. Not good.

I pondered for a moment, how good my chances would be if I fought the Bonies... but I knew, even though I could already move and speak a bit better then yesterday, I most likely had not enough power yet to fight Bonies.

I heard them – how many it might be – coming slowly but determined towards me. Maybe it was the fear I felt, or that I knew that running away would make everything worse – but I didn´t move and closed my eyes. Julie was waiting for me, I had to get back to her...

A Bonie was standing right in front of me, I could smell his rotten breath and had to pull myself not to make a face. They definitely were wondering, what the hell I was doing – carrying around food for humans. Were they suspecting me to hide an actual human?

Not long ago, I didn´t care too much about my so-called life. I lived in the present, like an animal and even though sometimes I thought about a future as a Bonie, I didn´t really worry about my destiny – I just didn´t have anything that made my existence meaningful. But now I cared about what would happen to me, I wanted to life – an actual life of course, but even the state I was in at the moment was better than being completely dead, or worse, being one of those skeletons.

I wanted to life, wanted to love, wanted to be with Julie, wanted to show the world, that we all could change, blend in – and by all I meant both Corpses and humans.

Julie made my existence meaningful, and I shouldn´t be afraid of standing by her side. I opened my eyes and stared at the Bonie, behind him there were standing three others, they seem to wait what their leader would do to me. _Come on, try to fight me already. We beat you before, we can do it a second time._

It seemed like forever, but suddenly the Bonie in front of me kind of hissed and just turned around, moved to where he was coming from. The others gave me one final mad look (how are they even able to see without eyes?) and followed him.

Guess I just had luck... but I really had more the feeling that they were just waiting for another moment to attack me. I had to try to get out of their way. And I had to protect Julie, most importantly.  
For a moment I continued standing where I was, then I managed to move my dead legs again and went back to the plane.

There she was, arms crossed behind her back, looking at the records in the overhead locker, head tilted to read the musicians and album titles. When she heard the door closing, she flinched slightly and turned around to face me, but she didn´t look frightened. This was a progress, right?

„Oh, you´re back...", she said almost irritated, as if she didn´t expect me to. I nodded, looked down to the handful cans in my hands and tried to put them down on one seat. But I failed miserably and three of them fell to the ground and rolled away, out of reach. Great. I looked at Julie, saw a little smile on her lips, but then she crossed her arms over her chest and sighed. Was she already annoyed by my clumsiness? I couldn´t blame her if so. I grabbed the back of a seat with one hand to hold balance and knelt down to search for the fallen cans of food, felt Julies gaze on me again. I managed to grab two tins, but the third was too far away for me to get it. I didnt´t want to know how I looked when I cricked at the attempt of getting it.

Julie chuckled.

I froze. This chuckle... it left a weak, but warm and fuzzy feeling in my chest. "Do you need help?", she asked, closed the distance between us and knelt down beside me, closer then I expected. I twisted my head to look at her, but forgot that I was half under the seat and hit my head hard. That would have hurt, if I´d be able to feel pain.

Julie seemed to forget that this was the case, because for a moment her eyebrows twitched in concern. But then I guess she remembered what I was, because she dropped her gaze and slightly slid away from me. With one, almost graceful move she stretched her arm and grabbed the can, straightened up again and looked at the label. "Peaches... not bad.", she mumbled more to herself, then stood up and looked around in the plane, probably searching for a tin opener and a bowl.

My legs stroke a little when I tried to stand up as well. They weren´t used to such movements anymore. I went to the cockpit. I knew, somewhere here there must me the scissors Julie found when she first was here, and I have seen some kind of bowl here before. It took me a while, but I found both things and turned around, startled when I saw Julie standing right in front of me. Why didn´t I hear her coming? Maybe the pronounced sense of hearing was the first thing that changes when a Corpse turns human again? I passed her both things, touched her hands for only a second, but it was enough to leave a tingling from my hand to my toes.  
Now Julie really smiled, she looked at me and said: "Thank you", which made everything even better.

I just stood there like an idiot again, when she went back to her seat, opened the can with a fast sting with the scissors and poured the content in the (I double checked that) clean bowl.

When I saw how forceful she pushed the scissors into the metal, I had to swallow and was again really glad she never attacked me with those scissors. Even if it didn´t hurt, it would not be nice to have something like that stuck in your flesh. I couldn´t remember most attacks, but my scarred skin proved that I had already been stabbed and shot several times.

Julie wouldn´t mind me watching her while she was eating; at least she never complained about it. And it was nice to have company when you´re eating, I knew that from being both a human and a Corpse. I sat down with my back against a seat, opposite to were she was and couldn´t resist, but had to stare at her fascinated. She took another fork full of peaches (she must have found it on her own in this mess), chewed slowly and closed her eyes for a moment, before she swallowed. "Does it... taste good?", I asked, even though I knew the answer, but I didn´t want to just sit there, saying nothing all the time. She looked at me friendly. "Oh yeah. It has been a while, since I ate those..."

I could imagine that. In the past few weeks Julie and I made several expeditions in the now safe Dead Zone and always came back with backpacks full of still durable food. My favorite fruit were pears, although I didn´t believe I already tasted every fruit that existed. There were actually a few fruit plantations in the Green Zone, but there were no peaches plant.

"Hey R..." My whole concentration was now directed at her again. The way she said my name...

"How long do you... life here? How long have you been... like that?" I knew she meant how long I have been dead, but she was too kind to say the actual word. I kinda expected this question sooner or later, and I didn´t bother to answer it.

"...years.", I told her hesitantly still. I knew the apocalypse lasted for eight years now, but I didn´t know how long exactly I have been a Corpse stumbling around and killing people. Julie didn´t seem surprised, but the look in her eyes softened – she had compassion for me, even though she knew what I was. It was amazing, once again. "Oh...", she muttered, continued eating and staring at me. I had the feeling, I should add something about this, I didn´t want her to feel bad for me. Of course it was terrible to be a Corpse again, especially because I didn´t expect to be one ever again. But I was given a second chance to make everything better. And I would do everything to get human again.

"You... get used to it.", I added and smiled timidly.

Julie stared at me in amazement. "You get used to it?", she repeated. "Are you serious?" She didn´t seem to believe me. Julie put the now empty can into the empty bowl and placed it on the seat beside her.

But I really meant it... I mean, she was kinda right, how should anyone be able to get used to something like that, without becoming an entirely different being? I couldn´t resist, I shrugged. "Well then...", Julie snorted, but smiled. Then she stood up, went undetermined to the middle of the aisle, looking for something to do. I didn´t move, just followed her with my eyes. She needed entertainment...

I stood up as well, considered for a moment and then looked after a few books in another luggage rack. Maybe Julie wanted to read a book? I put them down on one of the filings, went to one of the seats further in the back and found several card decks, maybe not complete, but better than nothing. What else... my gaze fell on the fridge. One moment, I totally forgot to offer her something to drink... She probably didn´t expect me to have something here, and was happy about the food in the first place. I laid the cards on top of the books and turned to Julie, who followed every move I made with her eyes.

"Do you want... to drink some...something?", I asked and pointed to the refrigerator, which she couldn´t see from her point of view. She seemed really surprised, that I offered her something to drink. "Well... yeah, thank you.", she smiled again and went past me to the fridge. I was curious... would she take the beer, or something else?

No, I really had a lucky strike the first time, because she pulled out a bottle and grinned at me. "No way... can´t remember the last time I had a beer..."

* * *

The pages of the book rustled when Julie turned them. It was early evening and I knew Julie would be getting tired soon. We played some card games, listened to records and talked much. At least I did my best to be an adequate interlocutor. She really asked me a lot of questions, but we didn´t talk about Perry or yesterday much. Right now we both were reading, I actually was curious about what happened next in my book, but the story couldn´t keep me from gazing at Julie once in a while. She didn´t seem to feel uncomfortable around me anymore, but she avoided skin contact with me carefully. I could understand that and was glad after all, that she trusted me a bit more then yesterday. She had asked why we couldn´t go out for at least a little bit to catch some fresh air, but one look out of the window convinced her, that it was too dangerous. I really wanted to show her the car, but I didn´t want to risk to bump into Perry or some other hungry Corpse. If she really wanted to go home soon, I had to think about something... maybe organizing blood to cover her smell? I avoided thinking too much about this.

„R?" Julies soft voice interrupted my thoughts. „Yes?", I answered in the same volume, even though I didn´t know why. But I was proud how normal the word sounded, how easy it passed my lips.

„Aren´t you... lonely or something like that? I mean... what are you doing the whole day, when you don´t have any humans for visit?" She raised an eyebrow, and I looked at her with a puzzled expression. Didn´t she know, she was the only human, who ever survived longer then a day on this airport? And that she was the only ´visit´ I ever had? When Julie laughed over my expression, I understood finally, that it had been a joke, apparently. I thought about the question for a moment – of course I had been lonely, before I met her. I had have Marcus as a friend but... something inside of me always yearned for something else, for more then I was, more then I had, for humanity, contact to others and the ability to express with words. For everything I lost when I turned into a Corpse. It has been an awful time, that´s for sure, but as I considered earlier this day... I kind of had lived in the present, couldn´t quite picture the past, so it wasn´t that bad. If I remembered every single day of my life as a Corpse, it would have been much worse.

Again my thoughts had drifted off, and I had forgotten to give Julie an answer. „Uhm... yeah.", I mumbled finally. „But...", I paused, looked at her cautiously. No, I couldn´t tell her this now, it was too soon, we just met yesterday from what she knew. Instead of telling her, that I had her now – even though I couldn´t be too sure about that – I told her: „But... it´s okay." I shrugged, aware of the fact how stupid this answer might sound. But Julie just tilted he head, looked at me with an expression I couldn´t decipher and closed her book. „I think... I´m just going to sleep.", she told me quietly and went to her bed, laid down and nestled herself in the sheets. She seemed... sad. I stayed where I was.

Julie sighed silently. I felt the question coming, closed my book as well.  
„Is Perry... like you? Is he... like...", she didn´t finish the sentence, but I understood what she meant. But I didn´t know the answer exactly, so I hesitated. Perry didn´t seem to be too aggressive, but it was not like he was like M and me neither... he just seemed like a typical Corpse.

Julie added: „I know, he forgot me and everything else but...", she turned around, propped up on one elbow to look at me. „but maybe... I don´t know."  
I couldn´t just destroy her hope. Maybe she was right? Maybe Perry somehow could turn into his former self again... I mean Marcus had remembered his old life too.

„I... don´t know.", I mumbled, sad that I once again couldn´t give her a proper answer. „But I will look... after him. When you´re asleep."

I would find him somewhere, and I had to talk to M about all this anyway. I wondered if he even considered believing me, when I would tell him about this.

„Thank you...", Julie whispered, and with horror I saw a tear escaping the corner of her eye. I wanted to comfort her so badly, but my throat closed and I couldn´t bring out a single word. Julie mumbled a silent „Good Night", turned around and a few minutes (or hours ? I wouldn´t have noticed a difference.) later her breath became steadily and she was asleep.

I had to talk to Perry and M. Julie was safe here – I didn´t want to leave her, but I had to. When I closed the door behind me and turned around, I was surprised to see Marcus – it looked like he had been waiting for me, he was standing a few meters in front of the plane, alone, staring at me.


	7. Surprises

Surprises (7)

M just stood there, staring at me. Other Corpses were visible at distance, but they weren´t interested in us, as usually. There were no Bonies outside tonight.

When I went towards him, he snorted annoyed, and I fastened my gait. How long was he waiting for me to get out of my plane? Probably a long time, because he grunted shortly when I reached him and crossed his arms a bit clumsily.

„Gotta... t-talk to you.", he murmured and shot me a serious look. Oh god, there wasn´t something wrong with Perry, was it?

I nodded and answered: „Gotta talk to you... too." Marcus seemed surprised about how fluent I spoke, he wasn´t used to that, that´s for sure. „Where is...", I paused. M had no idea what Perry´s name was. But it seemed like he understood anyways, because he nodded impatiently and pointed to the airport hall behind him vaguely. „He´s okay. But..." He raised an index finger and tapped against my chest. „You´re not."

I couldn´t blame him for thinking, that something wrong with me. But he was wrong – I´ve never felt better, except when I had been completely human of course. When I will be completely human? Whatever. I gathered my thoughts and pointed to the Boeing 747 behind me. „That´s her... she´s ch-changing me."

M didn´t buy that. He looked at me with this 'Are you kidding me?'-look and snorted again, almost disparaging. „Her? Human... food.", he muttered and I sighed in frustration. I really had to convince him - once again - that Julie was nobody he could just kill and eat. I simply shook my head and changed the topic for the moment. Even though, what I was about to tell him, was nothing he would believe in more, than the fact Julie was curing me.

But I had to tell somebody, and Marcus was my best friend after all.  
„You have to... listen to me c-closely, okay?" Even though he raised an eyebrow suspiciously, he seemed curious. So I continued.

„Your name... is Marcus."

He grunted confused, didn´t think about it at all, I could tell. Otherwise he would feel, I was telling the truth.

At least I thought so. I got even more frustrated now. He just had to listen to me properly, was it really so difficult? I needed his advise, I couldn´t do everything on my own. I was just R, and every second time, I did something, I didn´t know if it was right or wrong.

I had to convince him. I grabbed his shoulder and stared at him determinedly. „Think about it... y-you´re Marcus, that´s... you´re name.", I spoke up, he seemed surprised, about the intensity in my voice, and I even had shook him a bit involuntarily.  
For a few seconds nothing happened, he didn´t replied anything, he just looked at me confused.

But then something changed, the look in his eyes... only for a moment, his eyes lightened up, as if he wasn´t at the airport with me anymore, but far, far away. In the past. I wished I could see, what he saw at that moment, and how he experienced it. I still had no idea, who I had been before I got turned into a Corpse. But I learned to live with it.

„...M-Marcus...", my best friend whispered, and I knew, he believed it now, because he remembered his name on his own, and I smiled. „Yes... you remember, right?", I asked, his gaze focused on me again and he was back in the present. He nodded, a bit overwhelmed because of his memories I guessed.

„How...?", he asked puzzled, looked past me to my airplane. „She..."

I just nodded in agreement. Then I considered for a moment. How was I supposed to explain this... It made sense to start with the change he and the whole world will experience soon, as it had before. To explain what happened with me, him and the rest of us. „We... can change."

I finally let go of Marcus and pressed my hand on my heart, to emphasize my words. „She, Julie... she and the other humans... they can change us."

He didn´t seem to be convinced 100 percent, but he looked... kind of hopeful. His lips twitched slightly on the edges, as if they tried to remember how to smile.

„Is this why you can...", he asked after a while, then pointed at his mouth, and at his stomach.

I guessed he meant my speech abilities and the fact that I wasn´t hungry at all. I nodded.  
"And she...?", he added and raised a bow. Did he ask, if Julie and I... Well, I didn´t know how to answer that. So I returned to old habits, and shrugged. But I couldn´t resist, I had to smile.

M commented on my expression with a funny look. He almost looked... approving. Because I managed to get a girl, that wanted to stay with me? I almost grinned.

Now there was only one thing left to talk about: the time travel.

„But... it´s not the first time.", I began hesitantly. Marcus frowned confused. But that´s no surprise, that he didn´t understand what I meant.

„Every...thing." Now I tapped at my chest myself. „I did it before..."

„How?", he asked, shaking his head several times. How on earth was I supposed to explain this... I didn´t understand it myself.

I shrugged. „Like a... t-time travel." I stumbled over the word, because it sounded so ridiculous and unrealistic. I was afraid that Marcus would just laugh at me and wouldn´t even believe that the Corpses could change at all.

He tilted his head a bit, squinted his eyes and opened his mouth to reply.

But then I heard the unmistakable sound of the opening door of my plane, despite the distance, and turned around. I was so afraid of what this could mean, I felt sick to the bone.

Julie was awake, she opened the door and froze when she saw me and M.

I couldn´t believe it.  
 _She wanted to run away from me again. What am I doing wrong? It doesn´t matter what I do, she´ll always try to get away from me._

It needed more than a few seconds, after I finally managed to check my surroundings. But Julie was lucky, there were no Corpses or worse, Bonies, not counting me or Marcus.  
By the way, I trusted him, he wouldn´t try to kill her, and I approached Julie without turning around again. The disappointment I felt made me stare at the ground, while I walked slowly towards her, afraid of what was going to happen.

When I reached the foot of the stairs, I looked up. She still stood on the first step, one hand on the railing. I had to clear my throat, before I could get out a single word.

„Why.", I shook my head and looked at her.

She looked past me to Marcus, who still stood on the same spot and stared at us. „That´s M, right?", she whispered, when I looked to her, she frowned frightened and seemed also... angry. Well, he did after all infect Perry. But she didn´t try to run away or go back inside the plane, or made attempts to attack Marcus. Even though she wouldn´t try this without any weapon, she wasn´t stupid. „M or... Marcus", I repeated unsteadily and finally she looked at me.  
„Hey, did something happen to you?", she asked surprised and grew stiff. „Is Perry..."

 _Why is she asking what happened? Will she continue pretending, that she didn´t try to run away? I don´t understand anything right now._

I shook my head again. My hand twitched, I wanted to take her hand in mine like I did so often when I was human and couldn´t express with words, what I felt.

„You look so pale..." Uhm... I always did as a Corpse. Julie noticed her mistake as well, because she laughed softly and lifted her hands akimbo, eyeing me so sharply, I felt like I would have to blush if I was human. „But something is wrong with you..." She squinted her eyes, her gaze slipped back to Marcus, as if considering walking to him and asking him.

Why didn´t she understand, how much I needed her? She would have just disappeared, probably would have been attacked on her way to the Green Zone and would be eaten by Corpses. And she pretended, like I hadn´t caught her, while trying to get away from me.

Did she think I was stupid?  
„Why... uhm...

why do you want to go home so desperately, you couldn´t even tell me earlier, so that I could take you home safely?"

Hold on. I stared at Julie, who gazed back almost shocked.

Did I just talk without one pause, without any stutter? Seemed like it, because Julie looked absolutely surprised and sat down on the top of the stairs, as if she was overwhelmed by hearing me talking so smoothly. And I was kind of perplex myself.

It seemed like years passed, after Julie finally answered.

„I... I just wanted to catch some fresh air...", she mumbled nearly ashamed, and I peered at her with my mouth flung open.

„I didn´t try to run away.", she added softly. Then she patted at the space beside her. An invitation to sit next to her? I couldn´t believe, what I saw and heard.

She didn´t want to go away.

She wanted to... stay?

I tripped over the steps when I tried to climb them, and I heard Julies silent chuckle, when I almost didn´t manage to grab the railing. Then after all I sat down next to her, with enough space between us of course. She wanted to stay. And she wanted me to sit next to her. I couldn´t be happier.

Nervously I checked my surroundings once again. Marcus was still standing there, looking a bit left-behind. I still had to talk to him, but Julie was more important at the moment. I concentrated on her again and asked, just to be sure: „Really?"

But I knew it already – Julie didn´t lie. She wouldn´t try to run away, run away from me and what I was, I was sure.

She nodded and turned her head to look at me, she was again so close to me... I swallowed. She was so beautiful...what did convince her to stay? I wanted to ask her, but I didn´t. Julie would tell me everything, when she´ll be ready.  
Instead I watched Marcus, he actually turned around and went towards the airport building now. I hoped he wasn´t mad at me for just leaving in the middle of a conversation... But he had to think about everything I said, anyways, I thought. I decided that I would talk to him the next night.

I shot Julie another nervous glance. Maybe... I could risk something, I could tell her how I feel, a fraction of it at least.  
„I thought... you´d d-disappear.", I slowly mumbled and waited for her reaction.

Again she eyed me thoroughly, as if she tried to decode me. Like I was a code, that made no sense to her. Did she succeed? She smiled after all.

But she didn´t reply. What was going on in her head?

I decided to go further, got more confident now.

„Promise... you´ll tell me, when you... want to go home. Please.", I begged with a quiet, but steady voice.

Silence. I looked directly into her eyes, she looked right back.

„Okay. I promise.", she finally replied, her eyebrows twitched a bit worried.

Then she stood up. I was still overwhelmed, by everything that happened in the last few minutes, so I couldn´t move for a few seconds, before I followed her.

I closed the door behind me. Today I wouldn´t leave Julie alone anymore.

It was not, that I didn´t trust her, but I simply didn´t want to leave her again. I needed her presence.

Julie laid down on her stomach, her head propped up on her arms, so that she could look at me.

„Do you...", she started, but then paused. „Do you know, how Perry is?"  
I considered my answer carefully.

M said, he´d be okay. But I guess that was relative, he was a Corpse... but neither he was starved, nor was he shot in the head. So I guessed, he was okay, according to the circumstances. I didn´t think I´d be able to express myself with those exact words, so I replied an uncertain „Okay..." ( A shrug would have done it as well, but I didn´t want to annoy her.) I sat down next to her on a seat, leaning back, so that I could still see her face.

She didn´t reply anything, just looked at me contemplatively, but also like she wanted to say something. I waited patiently, I had waited so long for her without even knowing it, so I wasn´t bothered waiting for what she had to say to me.

But before she could decide, whether she´d say it or not, her eyelids closed slowly and she fell asleep.

I could wait. She wouldn´t run away. Everything was okay.

After watching her for a while, I turned my head and looked down at my pale hands. I twisted the rubber bands at my wrist with my fingers. Why was I wearing them anyway? Who had I been, before I turned into what I was now? I often thought about that, especially in the last few weeks, when so many of the formerly Dead remembered their old life. It seemed like I was the only one, who couldn´t remember anything.

But why? I had no idea, neither had Julie, or Marcus or anyone.

To think about it was a dead end – no memories would appear suddenly, I knew that.

So I considered something different, while watching Julie sleeping again. When would I be able to sleep again? It wasn´t like I was tired, I just missed being able to sleep. There was something reassuring about closing your eyes, slowly escaping the world and then waking up feeling refreshed and full of energy.

I never managed to sleep for a whole night though, but I got used to the construct of sleeping. I sighed and was a bit jealous of Julie, who already was fast asleep.

It would take forever, to be able to sleep more than one or two hours.

But I could pretend I was recovering while Julie did, so I closed my eyes and listened to her breathing, feeling peaceful and safe, like I was sleeping as well. That was more than enough for me right now anyways.

* * *

Sometime in the early morning hours I got my book and continued reading it. It was really fascinating and amazing how much more quicker time passed, when I was reading.

It must have been later in the morning, when Julie awoke. When I heard the rustling of her blanket, I put down my book and couldn´t resist watching her. It wasn´t until she opened her eyes, when I dropped my gaze, I didn´t want her to think of me as a pervert, or something like that. Even though I still enjoyed watching her sleeping, when I was human...

„Morning, R...", she mumbled sleepily, sat up and rubbed over her eyelids with the back of her hands. „Good Morning Julie.", I replied, smiling slightly, when I heard, how fluent I spoke.

„How late...?", she asked. I looked out of the window, I could tell by the light how late it was vaguely.

But what I saw, made me froze in place and forgot her question.

It was Perry.

He simply stood there, roughly on the same spot, where Marcus and I talked the night before. Staring back at me, with an intensity in his grey eyes, I could see despite the distance.

 _What was he doing here? He couldn´t remember Julie, could he? Or did he watch us yesterday, smelled Julie and now wants to eat her?_

At least, he didn´t try to get into the plane and attack me or her, he didn´t moved at all. Just stared at me.

I shot a glance over my shoulder, but Julie already had stood up and leaned on the window next to me.

„Perry..." I heard her heart breaking when she said his name, when she saw her boyfriend, standing there as a Corpse, a monster like I was.

„Julie..." I didn´t know what to do or say. I went around the seats towards her, but still kept appropriate distance between us, even though I wished I could embrace her to somehow reduce her pain.

„Julie.", I whispered again. She didn´t reply, still looked out of the window, her long hair covered her face. But I saw her back shaking slightly, she cried.

 _You didn´t do anything better. You did it worse. Do you think, it´s nice for her, to see Perry like that?_

I hated myself at that moment again. I just wanted to tell Julie everything, what I´ve done wrong, and what was now erased from existence. But I didn´t do it.

I couldn´t do anything. I could only stand there, hearing her crying quietly over her boyfriend. Every sob was like a sting in my heart, as if Julie was stabbing me with a knife again.

I couldn´t tell her, that he could become human again, because I wasn´t sure of it myself.

She wouldn´t believe me, she would ask questions, I couldn´t answer, because if I tried, she would think I was insane. I didn´t want to destroy the trust, she had in me.

She turned around, lifted her chin and looked at me, with those wonderful eyes, now red and full of tears.

„R.", was everything she said, she didn´t say it accusingly, not contemptible. More helpless, as if I was able to explain, why all of this happened. But I wasn´t able to give her the answers she craved for. As usually.

I lifted a hand, slowly, but Julie didn´t flinch back, so I did the only thing that seemed right to do: I softly wiped a tear off her cheek with the back of my hand.

I dropped it then, almost shy, but she didn´t move at all. She just stared at me, with big eyes, saying nothing.

Words. _Say something. Anything, to make her feel better. Come on!_

Despite my improved speech abilities, I remained silent.

I had to rely on different methods. Music. I didn´t know, what I would do, without music.

When I made my way to the record player, I heard how Julie followed me. She watched, when I flipped threw the covers, decided for a Bob Dylan record and put in on. I knew, this should make me feel nervous, but it didn´t. Instead, I felt confident and calm.

As the first sounds of „Blowing In The Wind" made their way to my ears, I turned around to look at her.

`How many roads must a man walk down  
Before you call him a man?  
How many seas must the white dove sail  
Before she sleeps in the sand?

Yes, and how many times must the cannonballs fly  
Before they are forever banned?  
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind  
The answer is blowin' in the wind

Yes, and how many years can a mountain exist  
Before it is washed to the sea?  
Yes, and how many years can some people exist  
Before they're allowed to be free?´

I didn´t know when exactly it happened, it was happening so fast. I couldn´t prepare or do anything, except standing around like an idiot and trying to realize, it wasn´t just my imagination.

But suddenly Julie´s arms were wrapped around me, her head rested on my shoulder. I felt every sob, which made her whole body shake. I didn´t say anything, I didn´t want to destroy this wonderful moment.

`Yes, and how many times can a man turn his head  
And pretend that he just doesn't see?  
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind  
The answer is blowin' in the wind

Yes, and how many times must a man look up  
Before he can see the sky?  
Yes, and how many ears must one man have  
Before he can hear people cry?´

„R.", she repeated. Now it was almost a whisper. She still hugged me, and I hugged her back.

But her weeping had stopped. I hoped, it was actually me, who made her feel better.

`Yes, and how many deaths will it take 'til he knows  
That too many people have died?  
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind  
The answer is blowin' in the wind´

The record crackled. When the needle jumped to the next song, Julie pulled away from me, but let her hands on my back.

I stared at her in amazement. I was afraid, that no matter what I´d do, it would be wrong and she would run away in panic.

She took a deep breath. Then she dropped her hands, lifted them again in front of me, to comb her messy hair.

She still was only inches away from me, and a small part of my brain asked if I shouldn't back off a bit, so that she had enough personal space. But the rest still tried to figure out, what just happened.

She had hugged me. My whole body felt like it was on fire, I still felt where exactly Julie´s hands had been on my back.

 _Don´t stare at her. Say anything. Don´t be creepy!_

But I couldn´t. I was so overwhelmed and happy. I could do it, Julie would be able to love me again, I was sure now. I just had to be patient. Everything would be alright.

I flinched, when suddenly Julie´s hand appeared in front of my eyes, I must have been in some sort of trance. „R?", she asked, half amused, half worried.

Oh no. I was glad, I couldn´t blush. „Yes?", I asked frightened. Did she ask me something?

But she just smiled again, still sad, but it was a real smile.

„I´m going to eat something...", she told me, then searched for a can of food and her bowl. We sat down as always, she on `her´ seat, me opposite her on the floor. She opened the can, this time it seemed like she was eating some kind of noodle, but I didn´t know the name for it. They were shaped like squares, filled with something I couldn´t identify.

„Mmmmhhh..." It must taste really good.

Julie was almost half through her meal, when I suddenly got a strange, hollow feeling in my stomach. I was... hungry.

For a second I panicked and stared at Julie. I wouldn´t attack her, would I?!

But then I understood. It wasn´t this kind of hunger, it was … hunger for food. Normal food.

How was that possible? It took days after I was shot by Colonel Grigio, before I could even swallow human food. And another week, before I got really hungry for the first time as a human.

But now I felt it clearly. Before I could even decide, whether I should tell Julie about it or not, my stomach rumbled loudly, so that Julie dropped her fork startled.

„What...", she stared at me in horror.

No! I had to explain to her...

„I´m not hungry... for y-you or h-humans..." And this was the truth, it made me sick just to think about it. Frightened I waited for Julie, what she would do now. I couldn´t lose her, because of something like that, could I? No, of course not.  
„... That´s so crazy." Julie grinned. „A talking Corpse, who likes to listen to music and is now hungry for Ravioli. No one´s gonna believe that.", she muttered more to herself.

Then she amazed me for the third or fourth time on this day, she bent forward, held out the fork with one of those Raviolis for me to try.

I almost grinned myself, she really wanted to eat from the same fork as me?

I opened my mouth, and really, I was able to taste it, the flavor exploded in my mouth and I had to smile, when I swallowed.

Julie looked at me expectantly. So I replied a bit shy again: „Tastes... good."

I didn´t want to eat Julie´s meal, so I grabbed my own can with some sort of stew, managed to eat half of it, and I was proud about that. I could tell Julie didn´t know exactly what she should think about that, but she accepted it.

After our meal I asked Julie, what she wanted to do know. She avoided looking to the windows... I checked more than once, but Perry still stood on the same spot, watching the plane.

I wanted to distract her from thinking too much, about him and the whole situation.

I kinda expected it, and really, she had the idea to teach me „Red Hands" again. I couldn´t resist, and she really was a bit surprised, when I managed to play it properly.

I even was about to win one round, when gun shots and screams suddenly were audible from outside the plane.


	8. Heartbeat

Heartbeat (8)

Nothing could keep Julie from rushing to the window to see what´s going on outside.  
In the heat of the moment, I had thousands of thoughts swirling around in my head – you have to protect Julie, is Marcus okay, what does this mean, that sounded like human screams, how was that possible, what humans are them, where was Perry – then I followed Julie´s example and looked out of the window next to where Julie stood.

Ba-Bump.

That was my heart, but in the next moment it remained silent again. I startled and put a hand on my chest, feeling very overwhelmed. Everything happened so fast, and it wasn´t a pleasing heartbeat I just had experienced, it was a frightened, desperate beat.

Because what happened on the tarmac was so horrific, unexpected and disturbing, that my body had no other choice than to tell me with a heartbeat, that I should run away and hide as fast as possible.

Even though my airplane was probably still the safest spot in the whole airport right now.

Half a dozen jeeps with soldiers on them, as well as countless others soldiers running around, looking threatening even from the distance with their machine guns. They ran around shooting every single Corpse that got into their way. From the direction they came from, the tarmac was already littered with bodies. Dead people, now dead forever.  
I was beginning to feel really sick. All those Corpses, they could have been cured. They had killed before, of course, they´d done terrible things – but every Corpse deserved a second chance.

What was the purpose of this, when there were dying so much more people, then the first time? I probably erased more life's, then I saved up to this moment.

„Oh my god...", Julie whispered, and I looked to her, away from this horrible scene. I expected that the sight of her, would calm me down, give me somehow the power to decide, what to do now. I thought when I looked at her, I would know, what´s going on and how I could protect Julie – but her white face, her wide-open eyes and shaking hands, with which she clung to the window to look out, increased the feeling I had even more.

Something went horribly wrong, and I felt the panic germinate, there was nothing I could do about what happened here. But why did it happen?

I studied Julie´s face, trying somehow to get a clear head again, but what she said next made things only worse.

„...That´s my dad."

Colonel Grigio? I kinda expected already it was him. There was no other remaining civilization nearby then the Green Zone. I looked down at the tarmac again, there were barely Corpses running around anymore. Even though I had no idea, how many were still in the airport – did the soldiers manage to get this far already? My mind raced. How could this happen? It was all my fault. I had rescued Perry, and now countless others had to die for him being saved by me. Others who could have become human again.

A choking sound came from my throat, as I realized that it _really_ was my fault. What could I do?! I couldn´t look away from the battlefield outside the airplane. Now Bonies came out of the building, but the soldiers shot each one of them, although I was glad about that. But the unit moved even further towards the building.

I had to do something. M had to be there somewhere. And Perry. And all the other people, I had made friends with. So many formerly Corpses had come to me and Julie to thank us... I talked to them for hours. We helped each other to become human again. Now I realized, I couldn´t save them all. I had to stop feeling sorry for myself, because of what I changed, so that this happened. But if I had the choice between Perry and the whole airport, what would I choose?

„Stay here.", I told Julie firmly, but my voice broke with shame and sorrow for all the lost people. But Julie was Julie, she would protest, I knew that. Of course. „No way, you have to stay here. I can go out there and explain...", Julie´s verbiage stopped abruptly. She didn´t know what to explain, because she didn´t know what was going on with me. She didn´t know, what I knew about her, and I had missed the opportunity to tell her everything, and now it was too late.

I shook my head. „I have to find Marcus and Perry. Then... we can talk to your father...?" I didn´t know, how I would manage this, to find them without getting killed, and then to explain Julie´s father that there was a cure... the chances to convince him, were really low. Not to mention, I had to try to stop him, from killing every Corpse at the airport. Including myself. But they were not ready yet, except maybe Marcus, they would continue to attack the soldiers. It all went so wrong, nothing seemed to make sense anymore.

„B-but if he is looking for me, and I go to him, he might listen to me.." Julie noticed herself that her objection didn´t make much sense. Why should he stop what he was doing, if Julie couldn´t explain why? Since she didn´t know, how the others could change too, if you would give them more time? It was hopeless, we couldn´t do anything. It was all my fault.

The only thing, I could possibly do, was to rescue Marcus and Perry. I was owing them something. Julie wasn´t in danger, as long as she stayed inside the plane and would approach her father looking human.

„I have to.", I simply told her and went to the door, my steps were amazingly sure, as if my plan would make me somehow stronger from the inside.

But I paused, before I opened the door. I turned to Julie. Her blue eyes, full of fear - was she afraid of losing me? - were looking at me. What if I didn´t come back? I knew how dangerous it was, to go out there, and it wasn´t like I wanted to die, but – it was my fault. I had to do something.

If only I could kiss her once again. But I couldn´t. I pushed my desire for her aside and turned back to the door. I had to save them, or at least try to.

Julie´s voice was so quiet that I could hear it hardly, besides I was halfway out the door as she muttered the words.  
„Take care of yourself."  
I would try to. Before I could resist the temptation to turn around and tell her everything, I locked the door behind me and ran down the stairs as fast as I could.

I was lucky, the soldiers were all near the entrance, I saw how they shouted in their radios, but couldn´t understand what it was. Somewhere there had to be Julie´s father, but they were too far away from me to identify him. I looked away from the unit and let my eye drift over the airfield. Numerous Corpses, and some dead Bonies littered crisscross. I tried not to look at them too much, as I moved quickly over the tarmac, but always hided behind aircraft's and other vehicles. In addition I stood as upright as possible, so that if someone saw he, he maybe wouldn´t shoot me immediately.

But I had to look, I couldn´t stop myself from doing it. Most of them had died by a shot in the head, they laid with empty expressions, twisted limbs and opened mouths on the ground. But some others had so disturbing injuries to the head... Their skulls were smashed heavily, nothing but a bloody mass remained where once a brain had been. All my fault.

Then my eyes fell on another body, and suddenly I felt sick to my stomach.

Marcus.

I could only recognize him by his clothes, the gray jacket he always used to wore. Because his head was a bloody mess, covered with black, thick zombie blood.  
No. Not him, that couldn´t be true. My best friend, dead, just like this. I wished I could cry, could scream, somehow mourn his death, bury him, all at the same time. And the fact, that nothing was possible from all that, made me so angry at the soldiers and Julie´s father... I imagined briefly, how I´d kill them, rip their hearts out of their chests, how I´d eat them alive, enjoy hearing their screams...

No, no, I had to pull myself together, I wasn´t what I used to be, I wouldn´t hurt anyone. My eyes burned, unable to produce tears.

I stared so long at the body of my best friend, as if he would thereby suddenly rise up again, that I had stopped and hadn´t recognize the steps, who I now heard from a distance.

And then the shot in the direction of my head came, the bullet barely missed my head.  
I dropped to the ground, right next to Marcus and two other dead Corpses, held my breath, that I luckily still didn´t need. I laid motionless there, eyes opened, but I couldn´t see much beyond the gray, cloudy sky above me. I was still full of anger and sadness about Marcus, but I had to push these feelings aside for now. Or I would end like him, and he certainly wouldn´t have wanted that.

„Did you hit it?", a gruff voice came so close to me, that I had to keep myself from flinching. The voice sounded familiar – it was actually Julie´s dad, John Grigio.

A figure leaned over me, a young soldier, whose anxiety was written all over his face. I tried not to focus him with my eyes, and I felt really uncomfortable suddenly, panicked about getting unmasked and that I had to die here and now. _Had he killed Marcus? Who had done it?_ The anger was burning inside me like a bonfire.

„Looks like it.", the young guy murmured and leaned back, my field of vision was free again.  
Colonel Grigio snorted. I was positive he would, without a doubt, shoot me again just to be sure. There was no bullet wound visible at my head after all. He raised his rifle, loaded it, and then the muzzle appeared directly in front of my face.  
That´s it, I thought. I wanted to close my eyes, why should I even continue pretending I was dead? Maybe this way, I could see Julie one last time.

But before I could do that, before Colonel Grigio could pull the trigger, I heard a scream from the distance. A human scream, that both made me and Julies father wince, but luckily no one seemed to notice me. I had identified the cry immediately, it was Julie, of course. She had left the airplane, but I couldn´t be more grateful for that, because she had just saved my – so called – life. I didn´t know, how many times she had done this up to now.

I thought of Marcus again, as he laid directly next to me. How could this be better? When so many people died? When my best friend died?

The gun in front of my face disappeared. I heard the heavy footsteps of the Colonel walking away, and I remained still where I was. I didn´t know how many soldiers were still near, if anyone looked at me. But I got more frightened then before, because of Julie´s scream. Was she okay? _Please... she has to be okay. Not her. Please let her be okay._

From far away I heard Julie´s cry again, and then she screamed something, I hadn´t expected. She screamed my name, in despair, she didn´t cry after Perry, or her father. She called my name.

„Julie?!", Colonel Grigio shouted, confusion, anxiety and relief in his voice at the same time.

I wanted to turn my head and see what had happened. The urge to help Julie, with whatever she needed help, grew stronger, and yet the panic paralyzed me. I couldn´t move, otherwise I would die. I mean, really die.

„R! No..." Julie´s voice sounded very close now, and according to the steps I heard, the Colonel followed her. „What... Julie, stop!" Suddenly, Julie was in front of me, she put her arms around me. Her blue eyes stared at me filled with tears, and she ran her hand over my head, through my hair and I understood – she thought I was dead, that I was gone forever. She probably had seen me falling to the ground from the plane – my red jacket was kind of conspicuous.

I really wanted to calm her down and tell her, I wasn´t dead. But the fear that her dad, who was standing only a few steps away from us, would not hesitate to shoot me, if I only lifted a finger, still froze me.

But on the other hand, it was because I was so amazed and overwhelmed by what Julie did.

She cared for me. She cried because of me. I just wanted to take her hands, assured her that I was okay, and confess my love to her... but the danger wasn´t gone yet, and who can guarantee that Julie will arrive safe at home? Moreover, I might be able to save the remaining Corpses. Not everyone would have to end like Marcus...

„Julie... what are you doing?" Her father´s voice was rough, he couldn´t understand what she was doing, mourning about a dead Corpse. Of course he didn´t understand it. Although he accepted me, after he had shot me, I had always been a little afraid of him. He was a man with strict principles, and it had been difficult enough to convince him, that the Corpses would change the first time. But now the whole thing would be even more complicated, and I didn´t feel I was able to convince him.

Julie didn´t answer, she cried softly, but her hands still touched my head, as if searching for a gunshot wound that wasn´t there, luckily. I couldn´t see her suffer any longer, I had to show courage, had to somehow manage this.

I barely stirred, only moved my mouth as little as possible, so that no one else would notice. „Julie... I´m fine.", I whispered and quickly searched her gaze.

She froze, but she quickly understood. She hadn´t seen a wound, and she put together, that I was pretending to be dead. Julie said nothing, but the look with which she gazed at me as she glanced at Marcus, full of pity for him, for me, the way she brushed my tangled hair, to get it out of my eyes, said more than a thousand words. „Wait, and get up, when I say it, okay?", she whispered so fast, that I barely could hear it. But I understood and nodded slightly, and Julie put me gently on the ground and stood up to face her father.

It just had to work. But she had to hurry. I had no idea how Perry was, and with every minute that passed, more Corpses died, and it was my fault.

„Dad. You have to... have to stop." Her voice was firm, but I heard the fear in it. I hoped, she had figured out things enough on her own... again I wished I would have told her more.

„What are you talking about, Julie? And who is this Corpse?"

„We were wrong, Dad. The Corpses are not the way we think. At least not all of them..."

John Grigio wouldn´t buy that. He didn´t even responded to her words, and that made me a little angry. We didn´t have much time... Couldn´t he just _listen_ to her properly?

„Are you alright, are you bitten?!" It seemed like Julie was thinking the same thing. „I´m fine, Dad. But you have to listen to me, you have to stop killing the Corpses!" I was really glad, that she apparently figured out things on her own. I was wrong, she could explain what´s going on with me. Before her father could answer, Julie continued. „They can change, I – I don´t know how, and why, but R..." - she paused, I assumed she pointed at me - „And others like him are different from the rest."

„Take her to the Jeep, Kevin." _Kevin was here too?_

Nervously I searched Julie with my eyes, but I could only see the back of her head from my perspective. „No, Dad. Come on R, show them how different you are."  
I guess it was time to stand my ground, something I failed to do in the Green Zone, when Nora saved me from getting shot by Grigio.

 _I can do this. I have to, I have to convince him._

The soldiers gasped, and Grigio immediately raised his rifle and aimed it at my head, when I got up slowly. I froze where I stood, still bent down a bit from getting up. Julie got in front of me, she protected me, just like she did when I was shot in the water. Even though this time, everything was so different and so much went wrong.

Then suddenly, it felt like time was slowing down.

I didn´t know why I remembered, but some people believed, that you see your life pass before your eyes when you die.

Since I didn´t remember my life before the apocalypse, I had always imagined to see Julie before I died, whenever that would be, far in the future I had thought to myself. When I was fully human and everything was fine.

Only her. Because she was the most important thing in my life.

But when I heard the gun behind me, that fired from a few feet away... and I turned around so fast, that I could see the bullet coming closer to my head, I didn´t see Julie at first.

 **A house with a garden, and then a kitchen. A young woman, with blonde hair, standing in the kitchen, making pancakes. She smiled and sang a song, but I couldn´t hear anything – I could just watch.**

 **I saw the woman again, now she was older, no longer as light-hearten as before. She sat at a table, in front of her there was a radio, and whatever she listened to, it seemed to be something bad. Because her eyes were full of worry. Behind her, a man appeared, he had black hair, and he smiled reassuring, but to me he somehow looked... threatening – I felt strange seeing them like this, but at the same time, I felt like I was at home, like I used to feel in my airplane.**  
 **Then I was in a school, no, in an university. But I felt very wrong here, and the picture disappeared.**

 **More and more memories appeared, a guitar, whose metal strings I stroked absently; a car, panic and fearful voices shouted in my ear; a dog, who stood in the garden of the house I saw earlier, barking; a river, in the grass next to it there laid three bodies; a couple of guys with whom I was sitting on a coach; a red-haired girl, who -**

And then there was Julie, finally I saw her. Julie, who took my face in her hands, brushed the wet hair from my forehead and kissed me. Julie, in my plane with me, as she told me to stop shrugging. Julie, in the labor, where it all started, as she flinched and cried when I stroked blood on her cheek to hide her scent.

And then it was over, I knelt on the ground and held a dead body in my hands.

Perry, with a bullet hole in his forehead. And I was alive, but not like I was a few minutes ago, no, I was really alive. I felt the blood flowing in my body, and if somebody shot me right now, they would see human, red, pulsating blood coming out of the wound.

Even my heart beat now, too fast, and with as gasp I took a breath and stared at Perry.

Only gradually I heard sounds, as if those memories I had seen robbed me of my hearing. But I just couldn´t think about them right now.

„PERRY!" Julie. Already she was at my side again, but now she wasn´t crying, she was so shocked about his death, that she could only stare at him.

More screams from the soldiers, chaos around us. The one who tried to shoot me, shouted the loudest. „I – I thought... he´s a Corpse, we have to shoot him!"

Julie´s father, bewildered and angry. „Julie, go away from that thing immediately!" Couldn´t he see that I changed? Maybe he just didn´t care. He didn´t even said a thing about Julie´s boyfriend laying dead in front of her. With the bullet in his head, that was meant for me.

Why did he do that? And above all, how? He couldn´t have had memories of Julie or me.

Perry was dead, forever, again. How did the come so quickly in the line of fire?

All those rational questions were pushed aside, by a fact I couldn´t understand.

He died for me. Again. He was laying in front of me, next to Marcus, both dead, and I was alive, utterly alive.

I wondered again, how this was supposed to be better? How could that be fair?

It wasn´t until Julie´s father shouted: „Don´t hit Julie!", that I was aware of the danger to myself, that was still not over. I had to get up, explain what´s going on, how Perry´s sacrifice proved Julie was right. I could do it, I was human now. They had to listen to me.

But I was not fast enough now, despite everything. And again a bullet came from behind, but this time I didn´t turn around, and there was no one who threw himself in front of me to save me.

I felt the bullet entering the back of my head, as I fell forward like a marionette, that was cut off its strings. And even if that wasn´t possible, I heard Julie scream, felt the red, vivid blood flowing out of my head, the proof that I was right, I was human. The proof that her father was wrong. I wondered casually, if the other Corpses would be spared.

But how could I even think, when I was dead, I wondered.

Then everything went black.

* * *

Maybe it was stupid of me to think, I could save Perry without any consequences. But I had never expected that so many would die, myself included.

Now Julie was all alone. She had neither Perry nor me. At least she still had Nora. But who will take care of Julie now? I missed her already. I needed her. I wanted to see the astonishment on her face, when I´d tell her I was alive. I wanted to tell her, how I killed Perry, how I got a second chance, and how I made everything worse. How ashamed I was, to be blamed for the death of Perry and Marcus and all the other Corpses. I wanted to tell her everything.

And I wanted to see the joy in her face light up, when I´d tell her that I remembered my family.

I was still surrounded by complete darkness. I couldn´t even feel my own body. Was this death? It seemed like it. Or was it hell? The punishment for all the people, I had killed? Whoever I asked those questions, no one answered.

I thought about my memories again. There was nothing else to do anyway. Thinking about Julie and Marcus and everything made me so sad. I longed more for Julies presence than ever.  
But she couldn´t be with me, I understood that. She had to live, she deserved a happy life.

* * *

I had seen my mother, that was clear to me now. But I couldn´t recall her name, or any name at all. And the man... he had to be my father. His presence had made me feel so uncomfortable, even thinking about him, made me feel sick with a body I no longer had.

These guys on the coach... my friends? Had I studied at this university?  
Had this girl with the red hair been my girlfriend? Could I play the guitar?

I had always thought, the more memories I´d have, the fewer questions remained. But the opposite was the case.

I had no idea, how long I had been in this state – I had come to accept my situation, to be alone with my thoughts forever. Although I slowly felt a strange depression, as if this black darkness would come closer to me, as if I was locked up in a cage and the bars came closer to me.

* * *

But then something changed, finally.

It reminded me vaguely of the feeling I had, when I got unconscious at the bridge and woke up at the airport again. Only that this time, there was no burning pain, radiating from my biting wound.  
It felt more like falling, but I was still surrounded by deep black darkness, unable to move, or to speak.

Then a jolt went through my body, that I suddenly had again, and I was able to move.

I was definitely glad about that, not so say overwhelmed. After who knows how many hours (Days? Years?) in this darkness, I was grateful for everything different than that.

I opened my eyes, and at that moment I realized something was very wrong here. My body was cold, no heartbeat, I didn´t need any air to breathe, my vision was clouded again.  
I raised both arms, far too slow, and desperately held my face in my hands. This was just too much.

I was a Corpse. Again.

This couldn´t be true. I was in my plane, sat on one of the seats. Would I have to experience everything again? For the third time? Hadn´t I suffered enough?

Maybe I should just forget Julie, maybe I shouldn´t meet her. But this wasn´t just about me and Julie, it was about the whole world. I couldn´t do just nothing. But no matter what I did, it always seemed to go wrong.

What should I do?

At least Marcus and Perry were now alive again. I wouldn´t talk to anyone about what happened to me, I decided. Marcus wouldn´t believe it, not without a tangible proof of my change. I would forget everything eventually, I´d forget Julie, my memories of my past life.

I couldn´t save anybody, not even myself.

But then I heard a voice.

Her voice, even if it seemed impossible, but it was her. I would always recognize her, perhaps even when I would have already forgotten her.

„I´m hungry."

My head snapped to the side, I nearly fell out of my seat.

There she sat, on the seat opposites mine on the other side of the plane.

Julie.


	9. The End

The End (9)

She stared at me with sleepy, slightly bloodshot eyes and crossed her arms. „Just let me go.", she said now in an angry tone, glaring at me.

When I didn´t reply, she sighed annoyed and stared out the window. Her long hair fell in front of her face, like a curtain, that protected her from my staring.

Julie. She was here, and she was okay. But why was she here? I was totally confused, but my relief that I wouldn´t never see her again, was stronger than the confusion. I got up as fast as I could and rushed towards her.

„J-Julie, I-i..." I couldn´t believe it, she was back here? I couldn´t help but to stand up, bow down to her, put my arms around her small stature and gather her into my arms.

I never wanted to let go, I never wanted to disappear again, never wanted to die again.

The whole thing that happened on the airport had just been a dream, it had to be like this.

But why did I feel so... dead? I had to imagine it. I couldn´t be a Corpse.

M was not gone. Perry was still alive, although as a zombie, but I could still save him. I was alive, soon I would be fully human, in this point, I believed my strange dream.  
I could look for food with her together, she wouldn´t mind, she already trusted me. After all, she had hugged me, right? No, wait a second. That had been a part of the dream. But... why should she ask for food anyways, I suddenly noticed. We already got some, so why did she tell me she was hungry? One Moment, why had she slept on the seat and not on her bed on the floor?  
Something was wrong here.

„Get your hands off me!" With a single, powerful movement she stabbed me with the scissors in my neck.

I froze, then immediately let go and stumbled back, squinting confused about the weapon stuck in my flesh. I slowly raised my trembling hands to show her that I would surrender, because of whatever I had done wrong.

Julies eyes were wide open, when she stood up and stepped back, away from me. Then she looked frantically for another weapon, because the scissors apparently missed their target – my head. What surprised me casually, Julie was usually adept at handling knives and similar weapons.  
But these thoughts were totally insignificant for me at this moment. What I struggled with a little more now was, what the hell was going on here.

Of course, I felt no physical pain and was a bit happy about that, but nonetheless I was hurt inside – why had Julie done that? This question however, I was able to answer a few seconds later. It was obvious, and I should have realized it instantly, before I hugged Julie like an idiot.

Julie seemed to know me hardly, she was afraid of me and had no idea what we´ve been through in my memories.

But I couldn´t be really dead, shot by her father, otherwise I wouldn´t be here.

I was so confused. Could I really get a third chance? Why was I not alone at the airport, like the first time this happened? Everything made no sense to me at all.

With one hand, I felt the content of my jacket pocket, Julie stared at me the entire time, looking angry and scared at the same time.

I felt something else next to the cool metal of Perry´s watch. Something else that belonged to him: The remains of his brain.

But neither this cruel remnant, nor the smell of Julie triggered in me a feeling of hunger.

My mind raced, as Julie´s eyed darted to the door, her escape route was cut off by me. Desperately she grapped a small lamp, which I had taken from God knows where. She took it in both hands and held it menacingly over her head, ready to hit me.

I was here with Julie, and I was a Corpse and thus to judge how Julie treated me, we had just met.

So was none of that, what I had experienced, happened? I had killed Perry, unable to save him from myself?

I took a short glance to the window, it was morning.

Could it be the cruel truth? Was it really the morning after I had rescued Julie from the lab?

I was so confused about what was real, what was past, and what hadn´t happened. I had to figure out things quickly, Julie could hit me any second, but it was just too much for me. But I knew for sure, I was really happy that she hadn´t stabbed me in the head, even though I didn´t know why she didn´t.

I took a deep breath, pulled the scissors from my neck and placed it gently on the arm of the seat next to me. I tried not to look too hurt, when I stared at Julie. I mean, she just had tried to save her life.

What did she know about me right now? It couldn´t be much, but I was still confused about what happened before. Did everything happen like the first time, up to this point? And now, I had the chance to do it better, but without the chance to save Perry?

What would happen now, could it be worse? I doubted it, but little did I know at this point.

It had happened rather good the second time, until Julie´s father appeared...

It came to my mind, that this other reality could still continue to exist without me. Julie was on her own there, without Perry, without me... would she come home safely? Would she still have the power to change the Corpses? Were there even enough of the Dead left, were they all gone, like M? Like myself?

I could only imagine, how bad it all felt for Julie.  
I had the feeling of having to apologize to the Julie who stood in front of me, even though she luckily had no idea what happened there.

„J-Julie... I-I´m...", I started.

She didn´t even let me finish. Before I could think about, what I would do, if she attacked me again – there were just too many thoughts flouting around in my confused brain – she hit me firmly with the lamp on the forehead. Although I didn´t collapsed on the ground, I was quite dazed and staggered against the seat, on which the snow globe from the lab sat. It fell down along with other snow globes and broke into thousand pieces on the floor behind me. And before I could react, she threw the lamp on the ground and ran past me trough the door and was gone.

I shook my head to get rid of the dizziness, stumbled even more than I would, being now more zombie again, when I ran towards the door and tried to follow her. I had to protect her, had to explain everything, somehow. I had to find out myself, what exactly I had changed, if anything was different, what would be different in the future... I didn´t know whether it was the disorientation of the impact with the lamp or my confused thoughts, but I fell over my own feet at the stairs and tumbled down the remaining steps.

The fraud increased, again I hit my head, but I was not allowed to be weak right now. I had to get to Julie, she would die if I didn´t save her.

I couldn´t think straight, but I picked myself up again and staggered towards the aircraft, under which Julie had to hide, she did so at least the last time, when she tried to flee, while I wanted to get her food – but what if she ran in a completely different direction this time? It was possible, but I had no choice, I had to find her now, so I ran, if you could call that running, repeatedly tilting to the side, towards the plane and looked around it as thorough as I could.

But she was not here. I breathed again deeply, my vision blurred before my eyes. If something happened to her, it would be my fault. Why was I so stupid and hugged her just like that? I didn´t want what happened to me, I didn´t want to do everything again, but I saw as a new chance to change things. But all I really wanted, was a normal life, with Julie. Was it too much to ask for?

All this thinking didn´t help, so I crawled out from under the plane, forgot to duck and hit my head again. Damn. I wished I could curse and opened my mouth, but all I could manage was a groan. Only despair about what could happen to Julie made me push ahead, let me stumble.

Then I saw a few Corpses in the distance, they appeared to move towards one spot – Julie had to be there.  
I fell twice while trying to run faster, but I didn´t care.  
I would save her, there was no other option. Everything would work out, it always did the other times, even though Perry was dead again, killed by me. Why was I here again? What´s the point of all this? I had no idea, as always, and couldn´t think reasonable anyways.

As Julie shouted, her cry was not the worst of it, it was how it ended: A gurgling sound, that shook me from head to toe, let me stumble towards even faster, even though I somehow knew deep inside, it was too late.

At least three Zombies were bent behind a luggage cart over her body, which laid on the ground. They greedily tore and bite her meat from her bones and dug into her innards. They ate her alive.

I made one last desperate attempt to save her, tried to pull the Corpses of her, but I was weak, confused, bewildered, traumatized.

I couldn´t believe what was happening, and I couldn´t do anything.

The Corpse of a middle-aged guy dressed like as a pilot broke her skull and stuffed her brain into his mouth, exactly as I had done it a hundred times.

He closed his eyes, his expression almost happy – I paralyzed wondered whether he saw me – no, he couldn´t – or if he experienced the beautiful moments from her past, moments with her mother, when she was still alive, with Perry and her father, before they both changed to the worse through the apocalypse.

Then I finally realized what had happened.

She was _dead_. Not only bitten, that would be bad enough, then I would still have hope, that she would somehow manage to become human again – but it was over.

Julie was _gone_.

More and more Corpses crowded around her, pushed me to the side. The smell of her blood became stronger and her actual scent disappeared.

Never before the zombies – I did not longer belong to them – had to travel such a small distance to get a meal, so they gathered around her like wild animals, so that everyone could get a bite.  
At least, I didn´t saw M anywhere nearby.

I collapsed on the ground, in my chest there was a pain as I had never experienced before.

I had lost her, she was gone – couldn´t this just be a dream, another illusion? I tried to believe this, but it didn´t work.

The grief felt so real and the pain so strong, it had to be true. But I refused to accept it, Julie couldn´t be just gone.

She _couldn´t_.

I curled into a ball on the hard ground, held my breath I didn´t need anyway. I didn´t want to smell, how her scent disappeared until there was only the smell of her dried blood. Until there was nothing left of her.

* * *

Without her, my so-called life had no meaning at all.

Why even exist without her? How could I change anything about me, how could I change other Corpses, without _her_?

She was _dead_. Only a ruined shell was left, she disappeared, and it was my fault.

* * *

I never should have let that happen. I had promised to take care of her, and now she was gone.

I really wanted to wake up from this nightmare now.

Or how did this cruel game work, in which I was controlled by someone who apparently wanted to see me suffer in any possible way?

It couldn´t be just over. This couldn´t be the end.

I would just wait.

Julie´s death was not an option. A future without her, I would not accept. And if I had to twist and therefore destroy the whole damn universe. She would be alive again.

But nothing happened.

* * *

Now I believed, that anything was better than this. I didn´t care what happened to me now. I would rather never meet Julie, then to let this happen.

I didn´t know, how long I laid there with my eyes open, quickly full of dust, holding my breath, unable to move.

Several times I felt someone stumble over me, like I was already dead.

One time it rained down on me for days. As if the sky wanted to cry about her death, because I couldn´t produce tears for her.

Once someone even shook me, told me to get up – M. But his voice was so low to my ears for some reason, I could hardly understand him.

And I didn´t care what he said.  
Eventually he gave up and disappeared, just like everything else.

* * *

How long did I lay there, defeated by my grief and yet hoping for a miracle, waiting, several times tormented inside by panic attacks, that this was perhaps the ultimate reality? That this was the end?

I had no idea, but it had to be a long time. But I never felt anything other then the pain about my loss. I didn´t feel hunger, no cold.

Only grief, that slowly but surely killed me.

* * *

The change came slowly, insidiously.

With ever breeze that swept across the airfield and reached me, I felt lighter, but just physically, the emotional pain remained the same.

I noticed it, but I didn´t care

I would probably really not get another change.  
So, anything was better than this pain, and I welcomed my slow disappearing.

But the pain even increased, even if I didn´t think that was possible.

I knew, what was happening to me, I knew what happened, when a Corpse didn´t move much and didn´t eat a long time.

But I didn´t care what I turned into.

A Bonie.

I didn´t care what happened to M and all the others. They had killed Julie. And without her, everything was meaningless.

I had never understood how Bonies thought or if they only had an instinct, that told them to cruelly slaughter anyone, who was in their way or that they could eat.  
I thought that they were just made out of anger and hunger.

But when I became one of them, I still was different. I still was me, and I hated that.

I could still think, I could still feel the pain and the loss, when I was nothing but bones, still laying motionless in my clothes.

I randomly wondered, how I even was able to think without a brain, because I felt the emptiness in my skull.

And the pain was still here.

Would it ever pass? I had secretly hoped, that I would just forget everything, when hardly anything was left of me.

And I hated myself for that. I never thought that I wanted to forget Julie one day.  
But the pain was just too strong. I wanted it to disappear. I wanted to disappear.

I was ready to die.

* * *

And I died.

Just like that, without great pain or a sense of loss for myself.  
I welcomed the darkness as it came. Hello darkness my old friend... I thought ironically. I really liked this song, a lifetime ago.

I just couldn´t take it anymore. It was too much.  
I broke down, my bare ones just fell together in the dust. I felt myself disappearing, until there was nothing left of me.

Everything around me was completely black again.  
Could this be hell, finally?

Was there a much worse pain to come, as punishment for all my sins, all the lives I destroyed?  
But nothing happened, once again I was completely wrong and had no idea, what would happen.

It remained black.

* * *

This was not death.

Deep inside I felt something, I thought I would never feel again. _Hope_.

Because it was the same strange blackness, in which I had floated, before I woke up next to Julie on the plane.

Before I had destroyed everything and she had died.

Could it really be? Another chance? I certainly didn´t deserved it, that was clear to me.

It was my fault Julie was dead. And Perry. In another reality even Marcus.

Was all of that part of the game, in which I somehow got? Who determined the rules? Could I ever even make a difference with my actions, or was I just a playing piece controlled by something else, someone much more powerful than me?

How stupid of me to thin,k I could do it better. But I still had my hope, I believed it now, Julie could live.

No matter how much pain I had to take, I would save Julie. I would do anything for her, always.

Something was changing. Finally, changing.

Memories.

This time I immediately understood, that these were memories of my past life.

 **I sat in a boat, opposite me there was a little girl with blonde hair, she could barely be older than ten. It was a sunny day, we seemed to be the only ones on the small lake.**

 **This time I was not able just to watch, but I could also hear the memory. And it was much longer than before.**

 **„Not so fast... you´re scaring me!", the girl said anxiously, clinging to the sides of the white boat so tightly, her knuckles whitened. She stared at me with dark blue eyes, who resembled incredibly my eyes after I turned human.**

 **I heard myself chuckle softly, felt my mouth curling itself into a grin. But I stopped rowing, the boat was slowly drifting now, until the girl finally let go of the boat and smiled. She reached a hand into the water, splashed around in it until it was apparently too boring to her and she pulled her hand back.**

 **Then I sat at a table. The room looked familiar... I had had a memory of this table before. A living room? In front of me, there was the radio I had seen before.**

 **It was turned off, I wished I would turn it on. And as if my other self was able to hear me, I reached out and turned the small button until a crackling little voice was heard. But before I could understand what she said, a voice came behind me, that made me flinch. „Stop it.", the voice said, it was male, furious and very familiar.**  
 **I immediately turned off the radio and stared at the wall, feeling guilt and loss I didn´t understand.**

 **The next memory could be from my days as a Corpse, because I saw my own hands holding a record and returning it carefully into its case. But my hands were not gray, not dark with dried blood, but from a healthy pink. I recognized the rubber bands on my right hand though.**

 **„Come on, we have no time!", a voice called, it seemed to come from below, I had to be on the upper floor of a house. I could swear, it was the house, that I had seen the last time I experienced memories.**

 **„I-I´m...", apparently I failed in trying to reply something, and I ran a hand down my face.**  
 **I put the record on the glass cover of a record player, could read now from who it was – T** **he Beatles. Huh, it seemed like my musical taste was one of the few things, that I hadn´t lost, when I turned into a Corpse.**

 **I went to a cupboard, opened it and pulled out the first thing that fell into my hands – I froze inwardly, when I realized it was a red jacket**.

That memory... it was from the day I turned?

Maybe it was just coincidence.

What was more important anyways, was that I was now fully convinced, that it was not too late to save Julie. The thought made me so happy and grateful, that I thought I maybe could forget the pain her death made me feel, someday. But when would I wake up now? Would this ever end?

Before I could think about this any longer, I had another memory.

That one was... different.

 **I sat on a sofa, that was all I was able to see, because I was entwined with a girl. The red-haired girl. And we kissed, long and intimately.**

It was not only incredibly strange for me, to feel how it was to kiss her, it was also so different from my experiences with Julie. I felt, that I had enjoyed it then, with this strange girl, and I felt a sting in my stomach – what had happened to her? And to the little girl, maybe my sister? And to my parents, which I believed I had seen before?

In my memory, I had been so happy and carefree, that it was easy to just get lost in the moment and enjoy it. But I couldn´t. I felt too guilty for Julie.

Then it was over, and I found myself back in my body, again though still as a Corpse.

I closed my eyes for a moment, because of the relief I felt. I would be able to save her. She wouldn´t die. And I wouldn´t die.  
Now I just had to manage to save her, without getting killed myself.


	10. Memories

Memories (10)

I was standing in the airport building and it was dark. I tried to concentrate. This time I had to find out quickly what was going on, where I was and what exactly had happened and what had not happened.  
I felt the insides of my pocket - my fingers tapped against the cold surface of Perrys watch. But there were no remains of his brains left.

That meant... Julie was at the airport. In my plane? Intensely I thought about the times, I left her alone in the night - but with all the different, experienced universes it was kinda hard, to differ each timeline.

What happened at the last leap in time, I forbid myself to think of. Julies death... what I saw... how she... no. It would drive me insane to continue thinking about it. Maybe I already was crazy?

Suddenly my memories came back to me. I had to tell Julie about them, maybe this way I would regain even more memories... no, stop. I shook my head, put it in my hands and forced myself to think and concentrate again.

I had to concentrate on the present.

Once I had searched for food... but this had been in the morning, right? Even though... I had never left her alone in the evening, so why was I here?  
I looked down the corridor from where I had come. But why should I even... Then, finally, it came to my mind and I mentally slapped myself on the forehead.  
Why had I not understood earlier?

As fast as I could, I ran down the hall into the terminal - and I had been right. There she was, Julie, alive. Which made me so grateful, I could feel a burning sensation in my throat. If I were alive, I certainly would have cried tears of joy.

But it wasn´t a good moment, it never was. As much as I wanted to swear Julie my infinite love and embrace her until the hole in my chest, that I felt since her death, was gone, I couldn´t.  
She still was in danger and nothing, absolutely nothing would stop me from rescuing her.

Marcus had already grabbed her arm and had come dangerously close to her neck, when I just in time ran to him and punched him in the face. As I had already done twice.

Of course I was also incredibly happy to see him on two legs and with an unbroken head, but as he was trying to kill Julie at the moment, I didn´t hug him and told him how much he meant to me. That could wait.

I briefly allowed myself to give Julie a frightened, yet exuberantly happy look, before I took care of the rest of the Corpses, took them down with iron pieces (Where did those come from anyways?) laying around. Even if I knew, that they could also become human again... right now, I really didn´t care. And that frightened me a little bit... had what happened in the other timelines made me so cold-blooded already?

I didn´t continue thinking about it, took Julies hand and said, before she could open her mouth: "Come, fast." I knew, she wanted to tell me, that she had to go home. But I also knew, that Marcus would recover soon and then the Bonie would appear.

When I wanted to run away with her though, she took off my grip and looked at me sadly. "R... I can´t come with you. A few days have passed and..."  
I just shook my head. "I-I know Julie, but..."

Too late.

I already saw M getting on his feet, looking at me furiously and confused. "What?!", he growled.

My gaze fell back on the door to the tarmac. I knew, the Bonie would appear soon. And I had that particular feeling my stomach, that this wasn´t the last time, I would wake up in a dangerous situation like this. Again as a Corpse, trying to save Julie.  
If only I had already known, how many times I would have to go through this.

I almost laughed at this ridiculous situation. How long should this go on? Had I not suffered enough? I didn´t want to be a part of this game anymore.

But I had to continue. There was nothing else I could do.  
Besides, I seemed to get more memories with every death I died. I had no idea, how this whole thing worked... but I guessed it was like this. And I wanted to know more about my past. I wanted to know, what happened to my family, and what happened to myself in the end.

But most of all, I wanted Julie to live - more than anything else.  
I took a deep breath and stared at Marcus. "S-sorry... She´s... not food."  
Again and again I glared at the door, it couldn´t be more then a few seconds. We had to go - now.

Without waiting for what Marcus had to say - he would be okay, I knew the Bonies wouldn´t do him anything - , I simply took Julies hand and pulled her the opposite direction from which I had come.  
"W-what... R?" Julie looked at me confused, but I started to run as fast as I could, so she had no choice but to keep up with me. "N-not safe.", I just said, looking at her anxiously. This look apparently was enough to convince her for now, because she nervously glanced over her shoulder and increased her pace.

As I knew, that there were numerous Corpses at the main entrance of the airport, I immediately turned into the dark corridor leading from the the small warehouse to the garage. I didn´t know, if M would come to our help, so I didn´t take a chance.

My thoughts were racing, as I tried to avoid any potential source of danger. But the whole thing happened so long ago... how should I remember every little detail? It was impossible to do. I couldn´t.  
The Bonie came without warning, suddenly he was there and made me fall to the ground.

I heard Julie screaming, tried to get rid of it, but it had happened so fast.

He put his hands on my head, hit it on the hard ground, until I couldn´t see anymore. Until I was dead.

I greeted the darkness, was horrified at the same time, about what happened. And what would happen to Julie now - but... I had expected it somehow, if I was completely honest with myself.  
It shocked me a little, how easily I overcame another death of mine, and probably another death of Julie - had I already became so dull to death?

Perhaps I was more and more aware, that all of this was never important, because it never was the reality. Perhaps, I was in a coma, and everything was just a dream. It felt more and more like exactly that.

But there was still the question, of what would happen, if I didn´t wake up anymore. And everything I had screwed up, the deaths I caused, would be forever.

* * *

I waited. Again.

Internally sighing, I thought of Julie. She was the only light in this dark situation I was in. Cursed to die again and again. Had to lose Julie multiple times. And it seemed like there was no end in sight.

I wasn´t really surprised when the memories came. I rather was looking forward to see more. The memories were like the only reward I got for all this. I mean, if it were only good memories.

This time, for the first time, it felt as if really _I_ had experienced these moments. And although it was strange at the beginning, it soon felt as if I really would get all my memories soon.

The first memory was actually a pleasant one.  
 **I was really young, maybe ten yeas old. My parents had gone on a walk with me, and when I saw my mother, so happy, I felt a sting in my chest - I somehow knew, she was long dead now.**  
 **My father was dead too, but... although I didn´t felt this threat as I did last time, I felt no loss when I looked at him.**  
 **What had happened between us?**

The next one was already less enjoyable.

 **I was sitting on a bench with the same red-haired girl - Carly, I suddenly knew. Her name was Carly.  
On hand rested on my knee, with the other hand she typed something into her smartphone. ****I tried to squint at the display, but she noticed and gave me an annoyed look. "Stop that, please.", she murmured, removing her hand from my leg.** **I heard myself sighing, crossed my arms and stared up at the blue sky. There was not a single cloud visible, the sun was shining brightly.**

 **A dog ran around in the park, barking. Hunting a butterfly.**

But the last memory was so bad, that I wished I would be able to forget it, once I remembered it.

 **I had read this book from J. D. Salinger, when I heard his heavy steps on the stairs and almost immediately flinched.  
Even in my memory I felt the fear, this bad feeling in my stomach, that made me sick. It increased even more when he knocked at my door. **

**"Y-yes?", I murmured, staring at him, when he opened the door and got in. He just stood there for a while, looking at me, until I lowered my gaze. I was unable to withstand those piercing brown, almost black eyes.**

 **"Are you coming now?", he said silently. I heard the threatening undertone in his voice - he was angry. As always.**

 **I really wanted to consent to whatever he wanted, I wanted to turn away from the threat, that he was radiating - but I couldn´t. I was just a spectator here. I couldn´t do anything about it, when my head shook itself no and turned to a whiteboard that hung over my desk.**

 **There was a picture. I could recognize myself and... the little blonde girl from the lake. My sister, as I remembered now.  
Chloe. She was called Chloe. **

**And she had died.**

 **And it was my fault.**

 **Although I had no idea how it happened, it was clear to me now. I was responsible for her death.**

 **Suddenly my cheek burned, my head fell aside and I frighteningly glanced at my father, who stood in front of me with his hand raised in the air.**

 **Ready to strike again.**

 **"You´re coming down, right now, with us. And then we drive to the cemetery. Do you understand me?"**

 **He didn´t shout the words, the opposite was the case. He said the words softly, almost whispered. But that only made everything more threatening to me. With trembling legs I stood up and followed him downstairs.**

Then it was suddenly over, again. And I was myself again, just R. More confused about my past then ever.

* * *

I didn´t know how often I died - and found myself in this strange blackness again and again.  
And with every death I died, my theory confirmed more and more.

* * *

One time Julie leaned too far out of the window and was seen by one of her fathers soldiers, in the neighborhood where we had found shelter. After being chased by the Bonies.

Although she regretted it in the next seconds, there was not enough time for me to hide anywhere. Besides, it was somehow clear to me, that I would have to die _again_ , when the soldier yelled her name. And when I heard the heavy steps of Julies father on the stairs, when he opened the door to the bedroom, it was clear to me, it was over.

A shot in the head, and I was gone.

* * *

 **I ran. As fast as I could.  
I had never run so fast in my life.  
**

 **I had been looking for supplies, absolutely alone. Contrary to my mother protests.  
But I just felt like I had to do something useful. And since the food in our somewhat secure house was getting scarce, I went out. In the middle of the night, with a flashlight, a rifle and an empty backpack. I missed my dog. He would have been a good help right now.  
**

 **I knew, how dump I was. But I didn´t care. I couldn´t stay in that house any longer. Especially not with _him_. Not a day passed without him shouting at me. Since the apocalypse happened, everything was getting even worse. But I had enough of getting terrorized by him.  
**

 **I had enough.  
**

* * *

When Julie kissed me in the pool, her hands on my neck, her from the water moist lips on mines - I thought I´d finally be saved. I had never done it this far, never had I woken up that shortly before my transformation into a human. I let myself go in the kiss, enjoyed it, as much as I could. I was so happy, maybe, it was finally over?

But only a few centimeters were enough to ruin everything - this time, Colonel Grigio didn´t hit me in the shoulder, but directly into my heart, which just had started beating again.

* * *

 **I was 17 years old, just finished high school and didn´t think about going to college at all.  
**

 **All my friends were in college, even Steve, who only was accepted because of his sport scholarship.**

 **But for me, no college felt right. Either it was too far from Seattle, where I still lived with my parents in the house of my childhood, or it was too expensive. And I simply didn´t want to go to college at all.**

 **It wasn´t like I was stupid. I had good grades, but I - as the teachers called it - had simply no interest in "normal" subjects. Aside from music and literature.**

 **My mother, the blonde woman I now had seen several times, was sitting on my bed, her eyes filled with unshed tears. Her usually lovely hair was hanging out from a half-twisted braid.  
"Do it for me. You can´t give up your whole future, just like that."**

 **I sat up and stared at her. My dog, Frankie - named after Frank Sinatra, in** ** _The Man with the Golden Arm -_ was laying on the carpet, now looked up, as if I needed his help. **

**"Exactly, it´s _my_ future. I can do whatever I want.", I replied.  
**

 **She sighed, stood up. She was beaten, for this time.**

 **Although everything wasn´t her fault, I couldn´t help myself muttering quietly, before she was completely out of the room:**

 **"If you left Dad, everything would be different. I would be in college right now."**

 **I heard how she started crying, and I hated myself for that.**

* * *

"Who are you?"

The cold, calm voice of John Grigio suddenly reminded me of my fathers voice. I tried to remain calm. Even though I could answer him probably, I closed my eyes and stuttered an undetermined: "I-I´mmm..."

 _Almost obedient_ , I suddenly thought. As if I had capitulated given to the power, whoever put me into this never ending dying.  
But I had to do, what I´d done before - this way, Julie and I would live. Wouldn´t we?

"Are you a Corpse?", he asked.

I opened my eyes, waited for Julie to defend me. But this time, we didn´t manage to made it this far.  
Without warning, without me doing anything or not doing anything, he pulled up his gun and shot me - again - in the head.

* * *

 **The Corpses were everywhere. It was hopeless.  
Even my father understood this, far too late, but somehow he gave in.  
**

 **We grabbed the most important things and left our house.**

 **It was quiet in the car, I looked out of the window and silently said good bye to the house, where I had lived for so long.  
Even though it had brought mainly unpleasant memories since I was 15, it was also the house of my happy childhood. **

**My mothers voice was soft, almost apologetic, when she asked: "Do you think, they will let us in?"**

 **My father remained silent for a while, of course. He never spoke more, than he had to. At least that we had in common.**

 **I watched him through the reflection in the rear-view, his hard, serious expression and quickly looked away, when he noticed my gaze and glared at me angrily.**

 **"It´s called _Safe_ Zone. Besides, me and... _he..._ " - he didn´t say my name anymore, since that day my sister - "...can get into their militia there." **

**A protest formed in my throat, but I said nothing and swallowed. I hated rifles. I knew, my father thought, I was too sensitive to shoot Corpses, but that wasn´t true. I simply hated it. That was all.**

* * *

I should have known better back then, when I was still completely astonished and happy that Julie wanted to stay with me.  
But no, I urgently wanted to impress her with my car - and the laughter, that Julie made, as she rode along the runway with an opened roof, was definitely worth it.

But now, as I saw the Bonies suddenly running towards us, and the car simply didn´t work anymore, I cursed myself for showing her the car.  
I turned my head to Julie, who still tried to get the car working again and I was so sorry.

I´d seen her die before, but I didn´t want to see it again. It had been too painful. So I simply closed my eyes, waited for it to be over.

* * *

I greeted the darkness like an old friend. I knew, the darkness was always followed, ever time, by a new memory.

 **"I´m Carly.", she said, smiled and pushed a strand of her red hair behind her ear. I felt myself blushing.  
"I-I am...", I began - but she raised a hand and stopped me. **

**"I know. It´s on your name tag.", she grinned, pointing at my chest.**

 **I became even redder. "Yeah, right." Nervously I took the money and tore off the bill. "Here. Have a great day..." Together with the Bruce Springsteen CD, which she had bought, I passed her the change.**

 **She smiled, put the CD in her bag and looked at me. What was she thinking in that moment?**

 **She often shopped at our store, at least once a week. She played drums, or she knew someone who did (her boyfriend?), because she often bought drumsticks.**

 **And her name was Carly, that was everything I knew about her.**

 **She looked, as if she wanted to say something else, but then she changed her mind and just smiled again.  
"... see you soon.", I muttered, which made her grin, before she turned around and went out of the door. **

* * *

When I woke up this time, who knows which time, something was different.

I was in the lab again.

That was the first thing, that seemed odd to me.  
I had never been there again, always woke up much later, when Julie was already with me. Or when I was in the Safe Zone.

Where I wanted to find shelter too, eight years ago. With my parents. Who died on the way. And I was bitten and got turned into a Corpse.

The second thing that made me wonder, what was going to happen, was, that I was completely alone. No other Corpses, no Marcus, no Julie, no Nora.

No Perry.

"Nope, wrong thought, Corpse. I´m here."  
I turned around as fast as I could and stared at him.

There he was, Perry, fully human, without any harm.

"Get yourself together. It´s just me." He leaned against the counter, behind which I had killed him, which felt like a lifetime ago.  
Apparently it occurred to him as well, because he took a few steps back and pulled a face.  
But there wasn´t any evidence of what I had done here.  
Even the snow globe sat on the shelf, unaffected, as if the whole me eating Perry and me rescuing Julie-thing was about to happen soon.

Or, as if it had never happened.

"And it doesn´t have to happen. That´s why I´m here.", Perry replied, again reading my thoughts, which annoyed me a bit.

"Could you stop doing that?!", I asked, then jerked. I... was human, suddenly. I looked down at myself, I wore the well-known jeans and red jacket, but... they seemed to be almost new, no holes, they were not covered with blood and dirt from decades of being a zombie.

Something was definitely different.  
"Sorry." Perry grinned and crossed his arms. "Force of habit."

I didn´t realized until now, what he told me. "The whole thing with Julie... it doesn´t have to happen?", I murmured confused and stared at him.

"Yeah, listen to me, I-"

But I interrupted him. "The whole thing maybe won´t happen? So you´re responsible for all this? Who do you think you are? Well, okay, I killed you and I regret that, really. But you have no right to do this to me. You have no right, to kill me and Julie over and over again. Even M, you can´t just kill him!"

Perry just shrugged, but kinda looked guilty to me. "You have to understand, I-"

I couldn´t believe it. He had done this to me?! I walked up to him and I really wanted to punch him. But I didn´t.  
"Do you know, what it was like for _me_?" To see _her_ die? And Marcus? You can let me have a thousand deaths, but not them. Not her. ... She is okay at the moment though, right?"

He nodded, but said nothing for a while. Then, he slightly raised his hands, looking at me. For the first time, I realized how much shorter he was, compared to me.  
"Okay I may have exaggerated a bit. But look, at least this way you have your memories back."

I snorted. "I have fragments, yes. But I have not really an actual idea, what happened to me. It would be really nice to know everything. Is this too much to ask for?"

Perry backed off a bit, then slightly smiled. "No... you´ll know everything. But let me finish speaking first."  
He sat down on the counter and let his feet dangle.  
I couldn´t help it, I nodded. I was still incredibly angry with him, but if I let him feel my anger, he maybe would use it against me. Maybe he would continue tormenting me, so I said nothing. Whatever he did, he somehow had the power to do with me, whatever he wanted.

"Okay." He took a deep breath, then continued. "You´ve probably noticed that, no matter what you do, you die. Or Julie..." - his eye were a little sad now - "...dies."

I nodded impatiently. I had come this far on my own. "And how did it begin?", he asked now, almost looking... peacefully.

I thought about it for a while, then replied hesitantly: "It started with me... saving you. Or trying to save you."

Perry laughed quietly. "Exactly... and this is exactly what you still not understand."

What was he talking about? I looked at him questioningly.  
His gaze turned soft, he looked at his watch, which was now again on his wrist.  
Then he looked up.

"You can´t save me, R."  
...what?

"Listen, I know, you´re sorry, but... I had to die that day. You had to eat my brain. Otherwise you wouldn´t have fallen in love with Julie. It´s as simple as that. You can´t change what´s history."

I was speechless. But I understood, what he meant. "You forgive me?", I muttered, looking down on the ground.

"Yeah. And you finally have to forgive yourself for what you´ve done."

I looked at him. "And now? If Julie is alright... what does that mean to me? Will I wake up with her again on the bridge, is this finally over?"

He shook his head. "Not yet."  
Before I could ask what he meant, he took my hand and shook it. "Good luck."

* * *

And then I suddenly was in my bed. At home. On the day, I was bitten.

And all my memories had returned.

* * *

Hello everyone!  
I know, I´m the worst. 5 months without an upload.  
But I hope you enjoy the chapter anyways. If you want to, leave a review, it would mean a lot to me.

I hope I can update soon. I have this story already finished in my mind, I just have to find time to write it down.  
Have a great day :3


	11. The Past And The Present

The Past And The Present (11)

There I was, in my bed. At home.

8 years, before I met Julie and she slowly turned me into a human again. Before I killed Perry, before I was bitten and infected with the plague.

I was at home. And it was the day I died.

How was that possible?

Suddenly my head hurt so much, that I had to bury my face in my hands. A groan escaped my dry throat - dry, because I was incredibly thirsty. It almost sounded, as if I was dead again, not being able to express myself properly.

But I was alive, I was absolutely aware of this. The way my heart raced, the panic, mixed with confusion and fear -

It felt like my skull was going to burst open because of all the memories, I suddenly had again.

* * *

My name is Ryan Hunter and I was born on the 18th of August 1992, son of Linda and Adam Hunter.

I had a happy childhood.

Growing up in a big house with a large garden in West Seattle, I had everything I needed.

On the 4th of November in 1997, when I was 5 years old, I became the big brother of my sister Chloe. I couldn´t have been more proud.

When she was a baby, I always wanted to held her. I always wanted to watch her when she was sleeping. I always wanted to take care of her. The second I saw her, I knew, I would do anything to keep her save.

I told myself to be the best brother in the whole universe, forever.

Summer 2003, there was only one thing that I wanted for my birthday.

A dog.

I begged so long until my parents finally gave in, and I got a wonderful Golden Retriever puppy on my 12th birthday - and named him Frankie.  
Even back then I had a very explicit and good taste for music and collected records like other kids my age collected video games and action figures.

I had a bunch of good friends, even though they just couldn´t understand, why I liked "old" music that much. And what I thought was so special about it.

We built tree houses, survived school together and sometimes played with Chloe.

She was a small, tender, but curious child. Everyone loved her. Especially my father.

One day before my 15th birthday, everything changed forever.

We didn´t go on vacation often. My mother was working in a supermarket two days a week and my father was head of a big IT company in Seattle, being busy all the time. He still managed to spend some time with us, to be honest. Despite of all the things he later did to me, that was always one of his good qualities.

We used to went to this lake, 20 minutes from where we live, quite often. Mostly when it was warm enough to actually swim in the water. It usually were the four of us, my mother, Chloe, me - and Frankie. He loved the water as much as he loved to rest on the shore and let the sun dry his golden fur.

Even though my mother didn´t work much, she worked hard to contribute at least something, I always guessed. Probably she didn´t want to feel too dependent on my father, who earned more than four times than her.

No one could blame my mother for becoming really tired after lunch that day. Usually she solved her crossword puzzles and read books at the lake, but that day, she closed her eyes for only a moment - and fell fast asleep.

I was one of the tallest kids in school, despite being only 15. It never had been a problem to me, and as everyone liked me, no one made fun of me.

But I trusted myself with things I couldn´t do, even though I was so tall.  
Taking my sister on our new white boat, our father had just bought us, was one of those things.

My mother told us several times _not_ to row all alone - the lake was deep, it was too dangerous. She told me, my arms would be tired soon and then she would have to swim to us to take us back.

But I didn´t listen to her. I just _wanted_ to row with Chloe in that boat, today.  
And that´s what we did.

At first Chloe was a bit afraid, but then she somehow was struck by my enthusiasm and was sitting in the boat, grinning brightly. I pushed it with all my strength away from the waterside into the lake, then climbed into it myself.  
"Don´t leave me alone, Ryan.", she said, looking at me with her big blue eyes - my eyes. I just smiled, pretending to think about it, but then laughed. She chuckled softly.

I rowed until my arms ached - of course, when we were in the middle of the large lake.

"Not so fast... you´re scaring me.", Chloe said anxiously, clinging to the side of the boat so tightly, her knuckles whitened.

I just laughed softly, not wanting to admit, that I couldn´t row anymore.

As I didn´t want to scare my sister, I pretended that I was just taking a break, stopped rowing.  
Chloe let go of the boat, reached her hand into the water and splashed around in it until it was too boring for her and she pulled her hand back.

I closed my eyes, relaxed for a moment - and froze in place, as the paddles suddenly slipped out of my hands and sank into the deep, almost black water.  
"...Ryan?" I opened my eyes, stared at the surface of the water. The paddles already were nowhere to be seen anymore. "Shit.", I murmured.

I looked around. There were other people enjoying the cold water, but they were too far away to help us.  
"Ryan!", Chloe repeated, now sounding really terrified.

I raised my hands, trying to calm her down. "Calm down. I´ll get them back."  
Although Chloe could swim she´d always been a little afraid of water.

"B-but the lake is deep... You can´t hold your breath _that_ long..."

She was right. I looked at the water surface again, then shrugged. "Do you have a better idea? Do you want to wait, til Mum wakes up? We´ll get trouble, you know that..."  
Both of us knew _I_ was the one to get trouble.

She looked to the meadow in the distance, where our mother and Frankie could be spotted. "No...", she murmured.

Before she could add something, I took a deep breath and jumped into the cold water.

That was the last time I saw my sister.

I had my eyes wide open while diving, but I barely could see anything in the green water.

Though my lungs burned like hell, I kept on diving - I didn´t want to give up, wanted to be the hero for my little sister.

When my hand finally felt the bottom of the lake, then touched the rubbery surface of one of the paddles, I grinned triumphantly. There you go, I thought.

I was sure that I would find the other paddle in the next diving attempt.

But as I gasped for breath when diving up, the paddle in my right hand, the boat was empty.

Chloe was gone.

Absolutely confused, I looked around. Where had she gone? "Chloe? Where are you? ... Are you hiding from me?"

After a while I got scared. I dived again, now searching for her.  
After 10 Minutes, I panicked. I shouted her name over and over again, until some people noticed me and hurried to help me. Soon I was told to wake my mother and explain her everything - so I swam, as fast as I could towards the shore.

* * *

A tear escaped the corner of my eye, as I remembered that day. My eyes fell on my whiteboard at my desk again... Chloe...

But... It wasn´t my fault.

* * *

A cerebral hemorrhage killed my sister. It made her fall head-first out of the boat and into the water, where she drowned in the end. When she was found, blue from the cold and her lungs full of water, she already was gone.

My mother thought, it was mostly her fault. But it was _no ones_ fault that the vein in her brain disintegrated.

My father disagreed.

He couldn´t handle her death. And he didn´t want to. Instead he directed all his rage, all his pain on me. He always thought, that it was only _my_ fault, that she died.

He thought that until his own death, seven years later.

* * *

"Chloe...", I whispered, as I slowly sat up in my bed. My aching head still between my hands.

* * *

That day changed everything. At the beginning, I was too traumatized, too shocked to understand what my father did.

But after six months, I was more and more aware of the fact, that it wasn´t my fault. I spent hours in the internet searching for the phenomenon that killed Chloe - and understood, that it could have happened anywhere. At home. In school. At the waterside of the lake.

But my father didn´t listen to me, when I tried to explain this to him one evening.

My mother worked full-time at the supermarket after Chloe´s death, she tried to somehow forget her loss. My father also worked much more than before.

But this evening, me and him were alone at home. That was the first day he beat me.

He did it on a regular base from now on. Usually not particularly strong, but sometimes I had lilac bruises afterwards.

I didn´t tell anyone, especially not my mother. Plus I somehow had the feeling, that I deserved his punches.

I became more quiet. I lost many friends and ate less.

During the rest of my remaining childhood, my dog was almost my only friend. I took him out as often as I could, but most of the time I buried myself in my room, listening to music, trying to keep on living.

When I didn´t apply to any college, I felt depressed for a short time. I was 17, my father beat me up every week and my mother didn´t see it. Or she didn´t want to see it. And my little sister was dead.

I had no idea, what I was doing with my life. And it became more and more less important to me.

But one day, I saw the job advertisement in the newspaper.

It seemed like fate to me.

I had been to the little music store before, loved the atmosphere, the nice staff and the fair prices. But I never thought, I would work myself in that store.

I called the owner of the store, then was there a week later for a short interview. When I got hired, I couldn´t have been happier.

Of course I didn´t earned very much, and there was no way I would be able to move out and live on my own - which became slowly one of my greatest wish. But at the same time, I didn´t want to leave my mother alone with _him._ What would happen, if I was gone and he got angry and sad about Chloe again?

I couldn´t do this to my mother.

On the other hand, he barely hit me anymore. I was now taller than him, and even though we never talked about anything, something about my appearance must have changed.

I was 18 years old, when I met Carly.  
She was one of the few loyal customers at the store, and I watched her, roaming around, looking for new CD´s and more.

I liked her natural red hair, her pale blue eyes, which always seemed to look in my direction.

* * *

A sting as sharp as a knife made me stop breathing - Julie. I stared at the wooden floor of my room. I mean, she had have other boyfriends. Perry included. But...

It felt really strange to remember Carly.

* * *

We went out together a few times, had our first kiss and became a couple. She was, apart from Julie of course, my only romantic relationship.

Although I never told her about my sister or my father, although she never quite understood my love for Frank Sinatra - she had her own taste of music, and it wasn´t a bad one - I was happy with her.

At least for a while.

In the end it was her, who broke up, after almost two years. I wasn´t really surprised, but I was sad about it. We didn´t see each other at all - we both didn´t want to stay friends.  
During work I met a few guys my age. I played guitar in a small amateur band.

I was, overall, happy with my life.

But then the Zombies came.

At first it were only strange rumors, nothing specific. Some said it was only a commercial for some company. Some thought they were part of a secret group, who tried to take over the world. It just sounded too strange to be true.  
No one took it too seriously for a few weeks, expect for a few apocalypse-fanatics, who locked themselves in their bunkers and ran around in the city with signs.

I didn´t believe it myself, until I almost got bitten by a Corpse on my way to work. This was in spring 2013.

Suddenly, the whole world went crazy. I managed it to get home safely, although I didn´t know where I wanted to go, I knew one thing: I wanted to get away from my father.  
I just wanted to safe my mother, so I got back to the house. I wanted to get her in my car, an old, but cheap minibus, and just drive away with her. It didn´t matter where, we would survive, I believed. And then I would tell my mother everything about my father.

But I didn´t get that far.

When I closed the door, just in time to safe myself and my dog, who usually came with me to work, I suddenly felt the steel-hard grip of my father on my shoulder. I froze.

The look in his eyes said everything. He had thought he´d finally get rid of me. But he was wrong. And I was wrong too: I wouldn´t get away from him.

We stayed in our house almost six months. Although there were massages in the radio about a nearby community - The Safe Zone - my father refused to go there. My father´s mood got worse. No day passed without him yelling at me. I knew he´d like to hit me again, but for some reason, he never did it.

One day I heard a gunshot from downstairs - when I ran down the stairs and entered the kitchen, my dog was lying on the floor. Dead.

My father murmured something about Frankie being sick.  
But I knew, he was lying.

Several times, I tried to convince Mum to get away from him - but it was hopeless. She was too afraid of the Zombies, cried every night, but never talked with me about it.

* * *

I pushed my hair out of my face and had to laugh softly about the irony of that. My mother was terrified of the Corpses, and her own son was the first one to heal himself and became a human again.

There was something, pounding in the back of my head, as if I forgot something really important. But I ignored it, was too deep in my memories.

* * *

For a while everything was... okay. Even though I could barely resist the urge to run out of this terrible house, away from my father.  
But the Corpses were everywhere, it was hopeless.

And I didn´t want to die.

Almost too late, my father finally gave in and we grabbed the most necessary things. Ready to get into the Safe Zone.

It was quiet in the car, I looked out of the window and silently said goodbye to the house, where I had lived for so long. Even though it had brought mainly unpleasant memories since I was 15, it was also the house of my happy childhood.

My mothers voice was soft, almost apologetic, when she asked: "Do you think, they will let us in?"

My father remained silent for a while, of course. He never spoke more, than he had to. At least that we had in common.

I watched him through the reflection in the rear-view, his hard, serious expression and quickly looked away, when he noticed my gaze and glared at me angrily.

"It´s called _Safe_ Zone. Besides, me and... _he..._ " - he didn´t say my name anymore, since that day my sister - "...can get into their militia there."

A protest formed in my throat, but I said nothing and swallowed. I hated rifles. I knew, my father thought, I was too sensitive to shoot Corpses, but that wasn´t true. I simply hated it. That was all.

It was early evening, when my father finally agreed to stop the car for a while, after hours of driving. I didn´t tell him, that I urgently needed a toilet, but my stiff legs really ached and the air in the car was getting stifling.

So no one said anything when we finally turned into a small country way to take a short break.  
"Finally.", I couldn´t resist to mumble.

"...What?", my father asked quietly, his eyes gazing into the rear-back-mirror.

I stared at him. My mother looked at me desperately. But I had enough.

"I said: Finally.", I replied calmly.

He continued driving down the small path, which wasn´t really made for a car. His gaze remained on mine. "If you´re not okay with anything I do for this _family_ ..." - It sounded like he was disgusted about being a part of that family - "... the family _I_ took care of for years... Go ahead."

I knew, I shouldn´t say anything. But... I hated him so much.

"I´ve enough of being in this _family_. I have enough of you telling me what to do. I am 18, and without you, Mum and me already would be in the Safe Zone, living a better life."

My mother sighed softly now, looking anxiously at my father, but said nothing.  
My father, as always, stared screaming without warning. "Shut up you..."

"Is that all you can think off? Shut up?" I raised my voice as well, I was so angry, so tired of him being an asshole.

He turned back to me now, his piercing glance seemed to burn into my eyes.

"You little..." He clenched his hand into a fist, struck out and -

My mother´s scream...

* * *

I cried. Mum...

Wait a minute.

If today was the day, I was bitten...

I froze. I turned as white as the board, where the picture of Chloe and me hung.

Nothing I had done had happened. My parents were alive. Perry was alive.

Julie was 12 years old and probably just got into the Safe Zone with her father and her mother.

I trembled as I stood up, opened the door, ran downstairs as fast as I could.

* * *

The two Corpses suddenly were in front of our car, in the middle of the path.  
We hit them, my father turned around, pulled the steering wheel - and everything seemed to happen in slow-mo. The car fell aside, close to a small river, that suddenly appeared in my line of sight.

I lost consciousness.

When I awoke, everything was a blur. I was squeezed between the air back and bags filled with our stuff. It was so cold...  
Then I felt someone pulling at me.  
I turned my head.

It was my mother. She cried, her head was blood-stained, but she was alive.

My father was dead.

Bent forward, his head a bloody mess, his hair full of shattered glass from the windshield.

I closed my eyes, I knew he was gone, but I felt no grief.  
"Ryan... The Zombies..."

I tried to nod weakly, managed to free myself from the belt and slowly climbed out of the car, swaying. I felt terrible, everything hurt.

Suddenly I heard a gunshot, my mother was standing there, trembling, the gun still raised. My gaze fell back to the car, where the rest of the guns were - but I couldn´t think clearly.

I felt my legs giving in and fell on the ground again. "Ryan?" My mother´s voice seemed so distant, as if I already was in another world, far away from her.

* * *

I stumbled down the stairs, then stopped in the hallway, stared into the living room, where a person with blonde hair was sitting on a table, back to me. My mother.

* * *

I opened my eyes, even though I couldn´t remember closing them. Pain.

Something, was hurting really bad... My foot... It wasn´t hurt in the accident, so why...

Then I felt a terrible burning sensation in my ankle and screamed as loud as I could.

"No!", someone shouted, my mother. Another shot, close to my own head, and someone dropped next to me. No, not someone, something.

A Corpse.

"Ryan, please...", my mother cried, knelt next to me, I gasped softly as I saw her arm. She was bitten.

"M-Mum, what..." I tried to sat up, but struggled. I felt so weak, and my ankle, it felt now like my whole leg was on fire... then, I understood.

 _I_ was bitten too.

I groaned disbelievingly covered my aching ankle. I looked at the dead Corpses laying around, then back to my mother. Helplessly I stared at her, unable to put into words what I was feeling. It was son unfair.  
"Mum...", my voice trembled. I hesitantly laid my hand on her shoulder, tried to comfort her somehow. I didn´t want to die... I didn´t want to become one of those monsters... I suddenly had a strange taste in my mouth.

"Y-you have to... do it...", she whispered. Her body was shaking as much as mine, the virus was spreading fast.

I didn´t understand, I didn´t _want_ to understand. I shook my head again and again.

But she took her gun, put it in my hand and looked at me with red eyes. "Please... I can´t..."

I shook my head again, closed my eyes. "No...", I stammered. My whole lower part of my body was cold as ice, I barely could feel my legs anymore. But my heart was racing as if it wanted to escape my dying body.

"R-Ryan..." She turned around, her normally sad eyes were full of pain. But she smiled. I stared at her, unable to say anything.

"Do it for me, Ryan." Her body was shaken by seizures, her breath shallow. My own numbness crept now slowly into my chest and arms as well.

"I love you, Mum.", I murmured as I lifted the gun to her head, closed my eyes and shot her in the head.

Her lifeless body collapsed beside me, her eyes, still blue instead of that strange silver, were staring into space.

She looked almost peaceful. Was she with Chloe now, a part of my brain wondered.

I laid down on my back, stared at the sky. I couldn´t do it. I killed my own mother, but I couldn´t lift the gun to my head. Just one movement, one lifting of my hand, and it would be over. But I couldn´t.

The sky was so grey. Too pale.  
My breathing stopped. I closed my eyes.

This couldn´t be the end, I wanted to experience more in life, wanted to see more, wanted to do more.

I felt the numbness taking over my chest, my heart made one last beat and then...

I died. And lost everything I knew, just like that.

* * *

"Mum..." I couldn´t resist hugging her tightly from behind, burying my head in her shoulder and inhaling her scent. She was there. She was _alive_.

I was alive.

Nothing of what I remembered up to this day had happened.

I couldn´t believe it. Why had Perry done this? What was I supposed to do know?!

I wouldn´t be a Zombie. But how else could I save humanity?  
How else should I be with Julie? She was _12_.

But I couldn´t kill my mother again. And my father...

I wasn´t Ms best friend. I hadn´t killed anyone. I hadn´t eaten anybody alive.

Perhaps I had just imagined everything that had happened?! Had it all been a weird dream?

"Ryan? Are you okay?" My mother turned around, stood up and soothingly stroke my back.

I couldn´t tell her, what was going on. I let go of her, completely confused, my heart pounding excitedly. "I..."

But I was interrupted.

"What´s going on here?"

I turned around and stared at _him_.

My father.

Of course. He was alive, too.

* * *

Hey! Please note that I wrote this before reading "The Burning World". I can´t wait till 7th February!

I´m really anxious about this chap. I don´t like it that much, to be honest. Please tell me, what you think about it.


	12. The Green Zone

I know what you´re thinking. I´m the worst. But I will finish this story, I promise! Even if it takes forever.

* * *

His dark eyes stared into my blue ones and I started to tremble involuntarily. He was alive.

I know I should´ve felt something, anything. Maybe I should have been angry or afraid, that he wasn´t dead anymore. Maybe I should´ve been happy that he was alive? He was my father after all.

But it was weird... It was like I couldn´t feel anything anymore. As if I was a Corpse again, unable to feel and connect and unable to understand why I´m here and what I´m doing.  
My fingers clenched into a fist like there weren´t a part of me, like I wasn´t able to control my body anymore. With one single strike into his face my father fell to the ground, his mouth formed a completely surprised and unexpected O. Far away I felt a strange pain in my fist, and as I looked down to my shaking hand it was all bloody and bruised.

My mother screamed. I looked at her, and in that moment I decided something: I wouldn´t continue pretending everything´s alright. I wouldn´t and I couldn´t live with him under the same roof. Especially after those eight years that I experienced and that never happened.

I mustn´t think about Julie and what it meant that she was now _way_ younger than me.

Adrenaline controlled me as I grabbed my father by the collar of his blue shirt, opened the door to our basement and pushed him down the stairs. He screamed, but I still slammed the door, locked it and stuffed the key into the pocket of my sweat pants, which I didn´t recognized until now. I knew, it wasn´t right. But I didn´t care. I was so... _cold_ and I couldn´t stand the sight of his face anymore and this wasn´t like me at all, but...

No. I wouldn´t let him die. I couldn´t. I won´t kill any other human being, never again. But... If I don´t get turned into a Zombie, I´m not gonna murder anybody. No, stop thinking, stop thinking, STOP-

"R-Ryan, what..." My mother was as white as a ghost. I grabbed her shoulders and stared at her intensively, ignored the tears in the corner of her eyes. "Mum, listen to me. We have to get away from here, as long as he is..." I sighed, nodded towards the basement door.  
She inhaled heavily, her eyes pleading me to stop, but I couldn´t. "I-I know he isn´t the best father but he..." I shook my head, she closed her mouth. "No, you _don´t_ know. You didn´t want to know." I was surprised about how hurt my voice sounded. But it was the truth... All these years, she just couldn´t notice _nothing._

She dropped her gaze. "I´m so...", she whispered, but I just nodded. "Grab the most necessary things, hurry up. We´re gonna get away from here, okay? I´m gonna drive us to a Green Zone, only... like three hours away. Trust me, it´s safe." Without waiting for her reaction, I took the stairs and ran into my old room.  
For a second I stopped, even though my heart felt like it beat 100 mph. The nostalgia was just too much for me. My Fleetwood Mac poster. My guitar, leaning against the wall. My untidy bed, in which I woke up. The carpet, where Frankie used to sleep...

I pulled myself together, changed clothes, opened my wardrobe and rummaged for the big traveling bag.

My spinning thoughts began to make me feel really dizzy. They were mostly about my parents, and who and even if I´m gonna make it to the Green Zone with Mum. It was dangerous to take the car but... We could make it. No, we´re gonna make it. We would have made it the first time if I hadn´t...

If I hadn´t say anything. If I´d swallowed my anger and ignored my father. But this time, it will be different.

Mum was walking around upstairs, rummaging around. She was crying softly. I wondered if she was angry cause I hit him... But maybe she, some part of her at least, was also relieved? I knew she wasn´t happy with him. After Chloe´s... Chloe´s death, everything changed.

And as much as I tried to ignore it, my thoughts always wandered back to _her._

I remembered her laugh, as I shot my record player one last glance, then closed the door to my room for the last time for probably a really long time.  
I remembered her wonderful blue eyes, as she told me to get back, when her father almost found us in that abandoned house in the suburbs. When she didn´t think about her own safety at all, only about how she could protect me from her own kind, as I opened the door to the basement, then ran without looking back outside and to the car, where my mother was already waiting, crying and terrified of the world out there that we´ll drive into.

I remembered her smile, when she taught me how to drive a car, as I started the pickup from dad and started driving towards the city´s exit. How she giggled when I finally managed to drive the car not as halting as before - even though it was far from grateful. My mother still cried, looking at me with those sad eyes, but I couldn´t say anything. Her hands, that clenched the bag on her lap, were shaking slightly. The road was pretty clear, I only had to take three or four detours.

After an hour or so, I couldn´t bear the silence anymore. "Mum, listen to me. He... he..." I shook my head, glanced at her. She was staring at me with eyes wide open. She was afraid of what I was about to say, but I had to.  
"He used to hit me. Constantly." I looked straight ahead again, accelerated as I saw some Zombies in the distance who tried to follow the car.

 _There won´t be a cure for them, do you realize that?_ I ignored my inner voice and gripped the stair wheel tight. My mother still couldn´t say anything, but she was trying to fight the tears that came up with my confession.

"It´s not your fault.", I mumbled, tried to make her feel not as bad, but clearly I failed. "But you had to know this, you can´t... You can´t look away your whole life and pretend everything´s okay."

She nodded. "Y-You´re right... I´m s-so sorry...", she whispered, and suddenly I felt the urge to cry myself. I swallowed and nodded too. Then I wondered... could I tell her everything? I had to talk about this with someone. I knew she would listen to me and she wouldn´t interrupt me, but... Would she believe me?

No, I couldn´t tell her that now. She was having a hard time dealing with what I told her about my father already. No need to make things even worse. Plus, I knew she was really anxious about the Zombies, and some part of me was scared as well. I had no idea what to do if Corpses attacked us. I couldn´t kill them, but... I had to defend us. Everything was so different, _I_ was so different.

My head was starting to pound again.

"I know.", I answered softly.

* * *

We only stopped for one time, but no Zombies were attacking us then, fortunately. Soon we left the small forest road behind us, the stage to my second, gruesome birth. I had no intention to return to this place - too much death, too much weird memories, too much loss...

I had to think about my father too. He deserved being left alone like this, but I still hoped he managed to survive. In my opinion, no one really deserved to die. But I never wanted to see him again, even though it wasn´t completely his fault he was like this. Chloe´s loss changed him. It changed our whole family.

And her death wasn´t my fault. It was no one´s fault, I knew that now.  
What I didn´t know was... The headache returned immediately.

I looked to my mother, who was sleeping in her seat. _Okay_. Now I could think properly about Julie, I decided.

Instantly I got a bad feeling in my stomach. She was twelve. On her way to become a teenager, full of hopes and dreams that soon will be destroyed by this grey world. But she´ll always be her wonderful, bubbly self.

And I was 21. I was a grown up man, and even though a little, romantic part of me said, that there were other couples with bigger age differences, I knew that we never could get together. At least not for the next six years, and even then... It was wrong. I got that. And this wasn´t the biggest problem, even though it was what concerned me most.

The world was lost without a cure. Without me, as big-headed this might sound, there won´t be a cure, I was almost sure of it. I was the first of the Corpses who cured themselves, I was the first individual who _wanted_ to change. This sparked something in all of the Zombies, this hope spread fast - and now any small progress was gone. Just because I left my father behind and didn´t turn into a Zombie. But I didn´t want to become a Zombie again. I didn´t want to shuffle around for years, killing people, forgetting everyone. Forgetting Julie. And so much could go wrong, I knew that now. The chance that something would go wrong was too high. That either me or her would die before we even met.  
I had to try something different.

My eyes burned and I blinked, it was almost night, and I was really tired and exhausted. It was so unfair, why did Perry do this to me? I knew he was done with everything when his father died. But this was no reason to make everyone else suffer. And not even Perry could want that the world will be like this forever, post-apocalyptic and just... messed-up as it was at the moment.

It was now very dark and I began to worry. I knew, which danger comes with the darkness - Zombie were not fast, but quiet. It was dangerous to drive around in the night, especially with possible other scrupulous survivors, who´d kill us for our car and supplies. We had to find a shelter somehow. My mother stirred in her light sleep, then woke up completely and stared anxiously out of the window.

"Ryan? Are you sure that... this Green Zone will take us?"

I gave her a look and sighed while nodding slightly. I knew the way from the airport to the city very well - and I only had to follow the highway in order to get to the Green Zone. Sooner or later we´ll see the wall - or at least, its beginnings.

The feed I heard a few years - no, weeks - ago in the radio apparently wasn´t sent anymore. In our car radio we couldn´t get any channel, only a monotonous noise, which worsened my headache.

"Let´s find a house or an empty supermarket, please... We can get to the safe zone tomorrow.", Mum added softly. She was right, but... The Zombies would attack us, I just _knew_ it. It wasn´t safe to stop.

I successfully ignored the blinking of the fuel indicator for the last few minutes, but I was aware that we won´t be able to continue driving soon. And then what? Find a car with fuel, break into a store? The apocalypse only happened a few months ago. There were scavengers out there, the infection was still spreading. The whole world was a chaos - it was a miracle, that we made it this far without incidents.

But still I didn´t replied to her request till the car suddenly began to make weird, stuttering sounds. I turned into a small side street and looked at her sadly, tired.

"Let´s sleep in the car, ok?", I mumbled. She nodded, put her hand on mine. She understood.

None of us talked as we made ourselves as comfortable as possible in the vehicle. Mum slept on the rear seats, while I simply leaned back in the driver´s seat, praying that no human will find us like this while we´re sleeping. But it wasn´t like I could relax anyways, there was just too much going on in my hurting head.

"Hey...", my mother whispered softly after a while.

I hummed as a response, but didn´t turn around. I was incredible glad to have my mother back... My whole life was a mess. Everything was such a mess.

"I... I was afraid of him... I think I knew that he..."

I closed my eyes, unable to hold back a tear that rolled down my chin. S _he knew it the entire time?_ I mean I guessed that but... to hear it was just...

For a second I thought about running away. _Just open the door and run away, doesn´t matter where, just away..._

But I didn´t. Instead I closed my eyes, and finally, finally fell asleep.

* * *

"There it is.", I mumbled. I think Mum heard the relieve in my voice - but I didn´t care. Luckily we found a car with fuel this morning, but the route wasn´t as easy to find as I thought. But we were here after all.

Okay, theoretical we´ll need another fifteen minutes till we´re _in_ the Green Zone - but we already saw the provisional barbed wire fence from the distance. The wall wasn´t ready yet, it was probably still a dream of some survivors and solders. _One day Perry´s father will work on construction for this wall and then..._ I suddenly got goosebumps and rubbed my arms absently.

Maybe Perry wanted me to stop his father from dying? But I doubted it. This Perry, this... 14-year-old Perry wouldn´t know me, I was sure.

And Julie wouldn´t... She would...

"A-Are you sure, that..." My mother still wasn´t convinced. She kept glancing over her shoulder all the time, and I couldn´t blame her for being afraid. But I had no patience left. She just had to trust me for once.

 _Like I trusted her that she´ll protect me. Even from my own father._

I shook my head slightly. _Stop. This doesn´t help._ _Try to make the best out of your situation, as you always did._

I blinked, back in the present and continued walking. "Yes, I´m sure." Even though I still had this bad gut feeling...

It didn´t take long til the soldiers on the entrance to the Green Zone spot us and immediately pointed their guns at us. _Home sweet home_. I raised my hands and slowly came closer. "W-We´re survivors and we´re looking for a safe place to live.", I managed to get out, though it wasn´t as loud and firm as I intended. Words were never my specialty.  
"Name, Age, Qualification.", one of the soldiers barked, a middle aged man with pale skin and red hair. I´ve never seen him before, so he probably died long before I came into the Green Zone. My mother stopped walking behind me, with shaky, raised hands. I looked at her reassuring, but I couldn´t look into her eyes properly. Then I answered: "Ryan Hunter, I´m 21 and... uh..." The other, younger soldier, raised an eyebrow questioningly. "No special qualifications.", I mumbled.

"Linda Hunter, 43 years old.", added my mother, then looked down to the ground. I glanced at the soldiers, who exchanged a look. Sure, we won´t be an enrichment to their army, but they wouldn´t reject us. The Green Zone was already pretty full, you could tell by the abandoned cars standing around the fence.

"Are you infected or had any sort of contact with the Dead?", the younger soldier asked now and looked at me firmly. I resisted the urge to grin and nodded. The scanners, which can tell you in an instant if someone is infected or not, apparently weren´t produced yet. "We´re okay.", I added. Of course we were checked for marks and scratched anyways, but I didn´t mind it.  
It still felt as if everything wasn´t real. Like I was still dreaming and about to wake up any moment. Except I didn´t. I somehow was eight years in the past, human again. I was with my mother in the Green Zone, which I wasn´t supposed to reach for almost an entire decade. It was bizarre.

The soldiers explained us a few rules, something about the safety of the community, but I couldn´t listen to them properly. I had the feeling that I slowly really was about to get insane. I finally had to talk with someone about this.

Suddenly my mother put a hand on my back and gave me a worried look. "Ryan?", I heard her say like I was underwater. I tilted my head to hear her better. "Yes?", I mumbled and noticed, that the soldiers gazed at me with sharp eyes. They asked themselves without doubt what the hell´s wrong with me. _If they knew what I´ve been through... If anybody knew..._ "Shall we?", Mum asked then and her tired and sad look made me flinch. Maybe I shouldn´t have been so hard to her, but I had no choice, I had to get us away from _him_...

I nodded though I wasn´t sure what I´d agreed to, but luckily the soldiers guided us. We were given a small, but rather nice flat near the food bank of the Green Zone. My mother was glad to have something to do and instantly began to walk around the single-story apartment , scattering our few personal items.

 _Julie lives exactly on the other end of the Green Zone_ , I thought numbly. _No, she´ll live there?_ Still standing in the door frame, I closed my eyes to remember better: Julie told me, how she came into the Green Zone, with her family. She told me how unorganized it was back then, and how much her father contributed with his cooperation for the safety and the army of the community. That´s how he got Colonel a few years later.

She´ll probably arrive in a couple of weeks. One day I´ll look up and see her walk by, just like this. I´ll freeze and stare at her like an idiot.  
Or maybe I´ll see her at a public meeting of the Zone, sitting impatiently on her seat, bored of the community´s politics. Maybe...

"I hate both of you! I hate this place! I don´t wanna live here!"

I opened my eyes. Footsteps on the asphalt from the street across our new home. I turned around slowly. _Am I imagining this? Is this real? Can it be...?_

It was her. I only saw her from the back, how she ran away, her blonde, still short hair whirled around in the cold wind. But her voice, her... weeping, everything was so familiar, yet unreal...

 _Julie._

"Stop right now, damn it!" The Colonel, no, John. He had to stop for a second to get his breathing back to normal. He looked so young...

Without thinking about it I ran out of the apartment and followed Julie.


End file.
